OMG HAX: That giant horrible Target data leak is actually worse than we thought, now affecting "up to 70 million individuals," which is 29% of Americans. A Charleston, WV coal company leaked 4-methylcyclohexane methanol into the largest water treatment plant in West Virginia (exposure symptoms: "damage to the heart, liver, kidneys, and lungs... death"), contaminating the water supply of approximately 300,000 people. And Benjamin Jackson and I wrote about by far the least important disaster of recent days, the Snapchat phone number leak because I'm basically a lightweight. I mean I'm honestly reading about whether Evan Spiegel is dating Taylor Swift or not if that gives you any idea. We're being owned by who knows what shady criminals and destroying the planet so I wonder who T-Swift is getting her smooch on with!
In the mood for two anecdotes and a sweeping personal conclusion? Well have I got a new Malcolm Gladwell tab for you! In another triumphant example of his trademarked "counterintuitive" style of journalism, Gladwell rediscovers his own religious faith, and uncovers the deep secret that people have religion because it gives them strength to cope with adversity! When it was suggested that this is literally the overt point of religion and always has been, Gladwell responded "what? I can't hear you over the sound of this fat check I'm cashing."
Various Followup Tabs: Martha Stewart Is America's Moistest Woman by Caity Weaver. Here are the haps on Silk Road since the original capture of Ross Ulbricht; it's been weird. In Wired, Matt Hanlon sums up CES as well as it is possible to. Tom Scocca has an excerpt from Cormac McCarthy's new book, The Vagina Holster.
Google just integrated Google+ messaging with Gmail so now anyone else who's been bullied and coerced into getting a Google+ account can email you via the Google+ account you were harassed into grudgingly accepting. Lest you think Google is nothing but sleek buses and killer robots anymore though, this very human response by a Google PR rep should reassure you.
Apps Are the Worst: The app-enabled e-cig. An app to tell you when the traffic light is going to turn green which you'll need because you literally don't have eyes anymore, sorry. You know what let's just delete ourselves and leave a vacant world strewn with nothing but horrible apps.
Eric Eldon, the sane half of TechCrunch's executive editorial team, is leaving the site so look for increasingly unhinged output from a solo Alexia over there. Should be fun!
Why is Lena Dunham's character on Girls naked so much?. Everything about this tab is a smoking-hot mess.
Let's Finish Up the Week With a Huge Pile of Awesome Things: TLDR #10 is out, and I will have the "Pooping in a Wormhole" song stuck in my head for days. Kottke has a video of foxes hunting in the snow which is not to be missed. The Paris Review finally reviews Paris, on the one-year anniversary of the greatest tweet of all time. A supercut of Wes Andersonslow-mo scenes. Legal pot is gonna be great for tax revenue, dude. Small child assessed honestly. Ladies Against Humanity. Shark tweets. And check out Weird Soundcloud.
Today's Song: Boards Of Italia
Today's Spontaneous Parody: Sir David Attenborough, The Fresh Prince of the Jungle
~Ain't nothing gonna break my tabs, nobody gonna slow me down~
So tips@todayintabs dot com
With rustyk5 were girdled round
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where TodayinTabs an incense-bearing tree;
And here were thanks today to Silvia Killingsworth,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.