Today in Tabs: Malcolm Tabswell

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A daily digest of the worst (and occasionally best) in water cooler chatter. REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

Kicking the tab that won't die a little further down the field is earnest trend-humper Malcolm Gladwellwho demonstrates the Art of Smarm for us in a New Yorker blog post today. The best response came from Gawker's John Cookin the form of two screenshots. Also today in John Cookthis is some of the most careful shade I've ever seen gingerly distributed.

President Obama did normal things that everyone does all the time yesterday, so of course everyone freaked out. First he he took a selfie. Then he shook hands with someone. "This horror can not stand!" declared idiots. Meanwhile no one (except, um, all deaf people) noticed that the guy right next to him on the speaker's podium was not a real sign language interpreter.

"...in other cosmopolitan cities, the lower part of society keep to themselves. They sell small trinkets, beg coyly, stay quiet, and generally stay out of your way. They realize it's a privilege to be in the civilized part of town and view themselves as guests. And that's okay." said a startup bro named Greg Gopman in actual consensus-reality 2013 in the modern developed United States of America in a public Facebook update that he's since deleted. He later apologized for accidentally saying what he really thinks, for which many in the startup community have chided him. See the comments to the apology if you dare. Gopman's company, AngelHack, runs hackathons like this one for McDonald's where young wanna-be engineers pay a big corporation for the privilege of doing free work for them. Cool business, great guy, all around good stuff for humanity here. Let's all enhance the experience of the Millennials.

The Beastie Boys have filed their own counter-suit against GoldieBlox, this thing ain't over yet.

Patty Murray (D-WA) and Eddie Munster (R-Hell) announced a budget deal that would avoid another government shutdown in January if they manage to get it passed which lol sure. In the future we'll probably be farming rocks and eating nothing but rat meat anyway so it hardly seems to matter.

"Simulations back up theory that Universe is a hologram" reads the title of an article that actually says simulations of a universe that is not at all like ours back up the theory that simulations of one view of that pretend universe resemble simulations of a different view of that pretend universe.

Every channel is a backchannel. Visit the Uncanny Valley International Airport. Stop using feminism to sell your beauty-product garbageCooper Fleishman wrote the comprehensive internet history of the showerbeerDudes debate the male gaze.

Are you aware that The Toast's Mallory Ortberg is the best satirist writing anywhere right now? Are you reading The Toast? If not you can't be my friend. I mean look at this: "The N-Word, White People, And The Book of Genesis." And "Shirley Jackson Reviews Bed & Breakfasts." That's just from, like, the past day. Get on board The Toast train, people. This has NOT been a sponsored tab.

The Pirate Bay's .sx domain got seized so now it's at thepiratebay.ac not that any of us need to know that because we wouldn't download a car. This surveillance spaulder is neat but sadly only a concept right now. How to wrap your Macbook charger properly.

More Important Year-End Lists: Literary FeudsTop 10 ListsMpregs.

Today's Song: Bomb the Music Industry!'s "Showerbeers"

Today's Other Song: Smashmouth feat. Eminem "Mom's Spaghetti"

~Oh that's just what we call tabs, baby, that's all.~

Today in Tabs is brought to you by Newsweek.com, where you can read it online without comments, which is nice. It can also be brought to you by email, if you subscribe. I may be reached by email, Twitter, or loud shouting within close proximity of my physical location. Till tomorrow, one must imagine tabs happy.

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