Let me put this right up front: Jon Bois's "The Machine is Bleeding to Death" in SBNation is the best and funniest thing you can read today. If you're at all short on time, just stop right here and go read that. Meanwhile in the WSJ, Sports & Cats previews the Super Bowl.
Perpetual tab Goldieblox are getting a free Super Bowl ad from Inuit as a reward for cynically using feminism and the lack of women in engineering jobs as a way to sell gendered toys that reinforce the idea that there are "girl things" and "boy things."
Dad Corner: (turns to camera 2) I don't do this often, but sit down here for a second. I need to tell you something. If you spend $120 on a watch that doesn't tell the time but vibrates every five minutes you are a goddamn idiot.
Today in Biology: "How well do you really know your own penis?" and "In a world of 3.5 billion penises, how does mine stack up?" are questions this GQ tab will encourage you to ask, but you should not ask them. "MORE MAGICAL THAN bacon wrapped pepperoni pizza covered in ranch," is how this tampon subscription service is described, which given the context, is just revolting.
An NYU junior just needs a little quiet. And enough natural light. And not too far from classes. And just some relief from all this stress. And usable wall space and not too much street noise. Anyway, THE TIMES IS ON IT.
Today in Tech: Facebook is 10, which is a grandpa on the internet. Clinkle leaks data before it even launches. Flipboard wants to bust into the incredibly exciting world of magazines. EVE Online is crazy complex, and it just had a space battle that destroyed roughly $300,000 worth of ships. Past guest-tabber Paul Ford will be in Wired next month writing about the past, present and future online.
Human Tab Mashup: Rob Ford defends Justin Bieber.
I Dare You to Try to Find a Theme Here: Taylor Swift perfume reviews. "Selfie," the TV show. TLDR #13 is about "The Slender Man" which is maybe the internet's first native monster, and is creepy as heck. I'm sorry that you all have imposter syndrome but I'm the only actual fraud here. The Macklemorization of the pop charts in data. Scientists simulate a magnetic monopole by creating a Bose-Einstein condensate. What are the best sheets?
Today's Story: Breast, by Mark Kowgier. It's sort of like Yelp...
Today's Song: Miley Cyrus Unplugged, "Jolene"
~A tab for a tab leaves the whole world blind.~
Today in Tabs is trying out some possible new slang. You can eyegobble it at Newsweek.com, or receive it as a sendogram. For the same sort of thing in 140 characters with more swearing, buttonize my twitter memoscade. Have a totally cranular weekend!