The internet is completely screwed. Today's big news is the weirdly well-branded and semiotically-dense Heartbleed vulnerability. It's sort of the global warming of internet security: yesterday we didn't know it was happening, and today it's way too late to do anything about it. OpenSSL, which is the crypto library behind everything that you thought was secure, has a flaw that lets anyone read as much system memory as they want from any computer using it. That's not so bad, right? What kind of beep-boop computer gibberish is in system memory? Well, unfortunately it's your keys, your passwords, your credit card numbers, your personal data... But (you're thinking hopefully) if we caught it quickly enough, maybe the hackers don't know about it yet? Turns out it's been out there since March... of 2012. Also there's no way to detect whether someone's exploiting it or to find out what information they stole (Spoiler alert: all the information). Nerds are frantically updating servers right now, but the damage is done. I hope you didn't have anything you wanted to keep secret! Security is the biggest hoax of all.
Public: “Lotta security issues lately huh?” Tech: “Well, we build all our critical code with tools from the 1970s, so.” P: “?!” T: ¯(°_o)/¯— Alex Payne (@al3x) April 8, 2014
But we have to carry on, don't we, knowing that our complete unimportance is our only hope of protection? Maybe we'll all be lucky and this will turn out to be a duck. Maybe Dillon the Hacker is behind it all. And what's the loss of everything you thought was private, compared to having your Smart car flipped over, or getting a spider-infested Mazda? Does anyone really even want to live in a world where the LA Times can proclaim that sandals with socks are fashionable? No. No one wants to live in that world.
Bloomberg called out tech companies, including Tesla, for the growing income inequality in the Palo Alto area. Elon Musk's response?
Bloomberg article today also has oddly false details. I don't eat breakfast at Tesla and drink coffee, not juice.— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) April 7, 2014
Great! Eyes on the important stuff, Elon. But as bad as Silicon Valley is, San Francisco is still worse. What's amazing is, all those things were wrong with San Francisco when I left 13 years ago. San Francisco is the home of literally never fixing anything ever.
This has all been pretty negative. Let's bring the mood up with an inspiring TED talk.
Today in... uh, Tabs: This is your reminder that college basketball is the most cynically exploitative sport anywhere. Please, NYU Junior, tell us your interpretation of Bruno Latour. Just the trailer for this documentary about hot white mommybloggers made me want to die. PricewaterhouseCooper just changed the name of Booz (formerly Booz-Allen Hamilton) to "Strategy&". What a bunch of assholes.
Come crawling faster Obey your master Your life burns faster git push master— Mark Wunsch (@markwunsch) April 7, 2014
Today in Updates: Jamelle Bouie pointed out that Jonathan Chait's look at race in Obama's America is conspicuously missing any black people. Remember Bustle? The site that was going to pay lady-writers (or "writrixes") to write about lady-news for ladies? Turns out they pay $40 a week. Super pin-money, gals! That whole fiasco with USAID's fake twitter in Cuba wasn't nutty enough -- it apparently involved the Freemasons too. And Josh Benton has a little more info about the pitch and refusal that led to Ezra Klein leaving the Washington Post and founding Vox.
Abe Riesman thinks Captain America should be more of a jerk. FILM CRIT HULK disagrees, but is wrong. The Kills' Alison Mosshart has a painting show. The Kills are great. Modest Mouse's Good News for People Who Love Bad News is 10 years old. And let's end today where we all started, when you really think about it: with butt stuff.
Today's Radio Show: Abstract Factory, Episode Two: Identity.
~Our tabs wagged and then fell off, but we just turned back, marched into the sea~