Today in Tabs: Tabs, Actually

Duck Dynasty
Hating, hacks and Duck Dynasty. Stop what you're reading; all your tabs are here. REUTERS/Eric Henderson

IMPORTANT NEWS: Hating is good for your health. So let's take our medicine...

In what might be contemporary journalism's longest sustained humblebrag, ex-Hill White House correspondent and Reuters campaign hack Sam Youngman mistakes his own inability to think in anything but cliches for a systemic problem with American political reporting. Here's a convenient rubric: if Politico is willing to publish your critique of clubby DC journalism, you know you've failed to critique clubby DC journalism.

Speaking of hacks and clubby DC journalism and PoliticoMike Allen takes his rightful place at number one on Pareene's Hack List. Like the others, it's so pitch-perfect that it's hard to read.

In case you missed the subtle themes running through his recent work, Dave Eggers takes to the Guardian to explicitly claim victim status for Important Writers like himself, complete with wild claims that today is worse than McCarthyism and that writers now suffer the same persecution as Muslims.

You guys I found the persecution list!
Philip Bump has a genuine talent for writing headlines that make me want to immediately kill myself: "Are You a Pajamerican or in the Confeduckeracy? Decide Now." If you're confused by this, congratulations! Just be confused, you'll be much happier. But if you must: Duck DynastyPajama Boy. Now don't you wish you still didn't know anything about this? NPR's Linda Holmes said what might be the only intelligent thing you can say about the Duck Dynasty "controversy."

Today in Pairs of Things: Two well-written anti-bitcoin essays: Alex Payne on Bitcoin, Magical Thinking, and Political Ideology, and Charlie Stross's somewhat less measured "Why I want Bitcoin to die in a fire." And a pair of good Nieman Journalism 2014 entries: Adrienne LaFrance on the conceptual beat, and Jason Kottke on the death of the blog.

People eat soup, and the New York Times is ON IT.

Lindy West rewatches "Love, Actually"Google Glass for creeps because apparently actual Glass isn't already bro-ey enough? The Daily Beast takes you... Behind the SubtweetsTake the damn bagelPenguins dressed likeSanta.

Our Dystopian World: Sinkhole continues to swallow LouisianaSea monsterReddit-branded assault rifleUndetectable Macbook camera spying.

Let's end with two things that are really worth reading, shall we? Ta-Nehisi Coates's "The Gangs of Chicago explains how the police operate as just another gang. And in Al Jazeera AmericaJill Filipovic debunks the so-called war on men.

That's it! Give up on the rest of your tabs. Just close them. You're not missing anything.

Today's Song: We Didn't Start the Fire, 2013.

Watch: Home for the Holidays. "Tinder? I don't know."

~Every Who down in Who-ville liked tabs a lot. But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, did NOT!~

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