Today in Tabs: WhatsTab

Shia LaBeouf
James Franco saves our opinion of Shia LaBeouf and Facebook makes a big buy Tobias Schwarz/Reuters

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Facebook is buying WhatsApp for $19 billion in cash and stock. Let's just start by putting some error bars on this thing: the dumbest tab I have seen about it is this intensely dopey post on Zero Hedge (by lol "Tyler Durden" lololol). Check out that graph! The second dumbest is the Wall St. Journal, where Will Connors asks "What About BBM?" Um, I don't know? What about ICQ? What about carrier pigeons? By and large, financial pubs are looking pretty bad. On the other end of the scale we have, as usual, John Herrman at Buzzfeed, who manages to always be both the first to post about tech news, and the most thoughtful, which should be illegal somehow. Leaving aside the rest of the dumb, Benedict Evans is worth reading on the deal, as is Jim Goetz posting for Sequoia Capital, who presumably stand to make a pile of money here. Of course WhatsApp famously refuses to sell ads, which is a policy that we can wave goodbye to I'm sure. Xeni Jardin has a bit about WhatsApp's global userbase and a brief roundup of social media responses, and Forbes has a well-timed profile of WhatsApp and its rags-to-riches founders. Of course, if you believe the BBC, the whole thing might have just happened because Zuck was stressed...

Everyone Got A New Job: Katie J.M. Baker, who secretly has a third middle initial but I'm not telling you what it is, is abandoning me at Newsweek to go to Buzzfeed, thereby making Newsweek her Gawker-to-Buzzfeed insulator job, as the law requires. White dudes had feelings about the announcement, and they thought it was important you know. Paula Froelich meanwhile is moving to Newsweek. The Washington Post's Klein-less Wonkblog has brought a few new writers on board. Pierre Omidyar's First Look media, best known for hosting Glenn Greenwald Presents: The Web's Craziest Comment Section, has hired Matt Taibbi too, which should do nothing to dampen that comment section's enthusiasm. Jimmy Fallon started his gig hosting the Tonight Show, and it feels deeply uncool for me to think about how much I love Jimmy Fallon so I try not to do it too much. But this is a pretty good explanation why I do. And just look at this? How can you not love that? And finally Tim Bray is leaving Google. If you don't know who Tim Bray is, don't worry about it. If you do know, you understand why it's worth mentioning.

Both Google Plus users punish the NYT for mentioning Google Plus. Google admits Glass users are socially maladjusted and creepy. Enough with the user names says xXxMat44DawgxXx in Wired. The only thing that could possibly make Shia LaBeouf's behavior more obnoxious is a "sensitive guy" James Franco column about it (ban actors). I have been avoiding mentioning it but in case you didn't already realize, the so-called Satanist killer Miranda Barbour's whole dumb story is a hoax. "Satanic cult" is literally a synonym of "hoax." It has no other meaning.

New York City is getting buried in garbage. That has nothing to do with anything else in Tabs today, I just thought it was funny.

Things to Read: Kevin Nguyen doesn't like the new trend of writing apps that pretend to be coding apps. The Weather Channel presents: Snakefall. Caitlin Flanagan write about fraternities but secretly it's about insurance. As Choire points out this makes for a more interesting article. Grendan would like to disagree with us about interns. I'm inclined to believe him about the "trophy kid" thing. It smacks of the traditional Condescending of the Olds.

Things to Watch: I thought those Kate Upton in zero gravity pictures were fake but no I guess not. Peter Dinklage is on the March Esquire cover. That dude is awesome. Full House Without Michelle takes a minute, but it's worth it. The 555uhz twitter account, which has been tweeting every 12th frame from Top Gun, now has a companion site that reassembles them. It's like the Pirate Bay for people who hate movies and sound and themselves and everything else but really want to watch part of top Gun. Piña Colliding: because every movie should include the Piña Colada song. And I include this Guardians of the Galaxy trailer for my wife because she really likes comic book movies.

And All That Could Have Been: Kickstarter for your own motorized couch. A children's book (sort of) of famous film scenes. Think as positively as you want, but death awaits us all. Vape hacking is a great new hobby for people who were born without the ability to feel embarrassment. Make a gif from any YouTube video, an old idea finally done right.

Today's GIF: Rap Game Les Horn. (☃ Grendan)

Today's Song: House of Cards for 10 minutes. Where's my 10 hour loop?

~So baby gimme that tab tab, lemme give you that beep beep~

"So, you thought you could spy on me, eh?" snarls the Night Watchman. He smacks his wooden baton into his meaty palm menacingly while his scarred face twists into a sneer. "Well I've got some bad news for you rotten kids!" He lifts the baton over his head...

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