Who Won the LeBron James Jingle Sweepstakes?

If we were betting folk here at NEWSWEEK, we'd put our chips on LeBron James announcing that he'll continue to play for Cleveland when his hourlong, charity-benefiting prime-time special airs tomorrow night on ESPN. But the whole thing leaves us kinda cold—not because we were hankering for something juicier, and not because it rewards Cleveland's self-debasing sobs that they'll fall off the map if James leaves them. No, we're bummed because this presser—this absurd, aggrandizing, twice-the-length-of-the-NBA-draft-lottery presser—will, one way or another, conclude the national competition for Most Ridiculous Tempt-Lebron Jingle.  A moment of silence, please, for:

"The Bron Bron Song": This hip-hop infused track about the lure of Dallas features the timeless lyric," C'mon LeBron/Putcha Maverick jersey on/Then it's time to get it on."

"Please Stay, LeBron": This easy-listening chorale cantata about Cleveland's charms, sung by local celebs (a furniture-store pitchman!) to the tune of "We Are the World" gets a little desperate at times. "Just tell us, King, what changes we must make," a city sings. "We'll rename every street LeBron if that's what it takes." (No, seriously.  Don't mess.)

"Lessons From a Cage": This secretary quartet from Broadway's Promises, Promises, doing four-part harmony about the Knicks's hometown bets that LeBron loves cupcakes and musicals. "Magnolia Bakery sells cake by the slice/And despite what you've heard, New Yorkers are nice!"

"Send LeBron to Chicago": And this rap from Chicago, complete with the AutoTune'd stylings of Weezy.

Sorry, guys, but the furniture pitchman has it.