Adam Carolla: Confessions of an Angry White Man

Adam Carolla performs at a benefit in April, 2010 Kevin Winter / Getty Images

If you’re a fan of literary flatulence—a genre populated by Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell—then Adam Carolla’s new book, In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks, will fit in perfectly with your Friday-night pizza and porn. Carolla made his name as the jocular co-host (along with Dr. Drew Pinsky) of MTV’s Loveline, and has gone on to host the most popular podcast on iTunes, The Adam Carolla Show. His new book provides equal-opportunity offensiveness, with topics that range from misogyny to bathroom humor and rants about his humble upbringing. Would I have read it if I hadn’t gotten a free copy? Nope. But if you love Jackass, Sunday Night Football, and Howard Stern, Carolla is the angry, middle-aged white dude for you. The comedian spoke with Jessica Bennett. Excerpts:

Bennett: Why are you so angry?

Carolla: It’s probably just hyperbole to sell books. But you could argue that there are parts of the book that are dripping with venom.

Like your chapter on women.

I don’t really remember what I said in that chapter.

Let me remind you. You say that women are better with the kids, but when it comes time to disarm a roadside bomb, that’s where “the fellas” come in.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff. Wouldn’t you say that’s a universal truth?

manhood-INTRO Photos: A Timeline of Masculine Ideals in the U.S.A. Matt Sayles / AP

I don’t think so.

Well, who builds every bridge and every skyscraper? Guys are better at mechanics and girls are better at emotions. How can you argue with what is?

“What is” what?

Well, who built the Chunnel in France? I’m guessing it was males.

Of course it was males. Men make up, like, 80 percent of engineers.

Because that’s what we’re better at. If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

I guess I’ll just quit my job and stay at home with the kids, then.

Being good with kids is a pretty good thing to be. It’s more important than engineering.

Are you good with kids?

No, not really.

How do you and your wife split up the household duties?

I make the money, and she’s good with the kids. That’s generally how it goes.

Do you think sexist guys get laid more often than nonsexist guys?

Probably, I would assume. In general, guys that are jerkier and louder probably end up getting more play than evenhanded guys. Though there is a version of that sort of patchouli-wearing, save-the-whales kind of guy who gets a lot of play, too. But that’s a niche market. I will not instruct my son to be a jerk, though. I think it’s something you’re born with; you can’t cultivate it.

Were you born a jerk?

No, I was nice. I became a jerk later.

At least your 4-year-old son is nice. But you write that you worry he might be gay.

I actually think that not being gay could get him into more trouble. You gotta realize, I live in Hollywood, not Kentucky. This kid can’t go to any L.A. Unified School District school, because our school system is completely f--ked up. So he’s probably going to go to some super-progressive, super-expensive, highfalutin school for, like, special kids. So I’m just saying, you’d probably get your ass kicked for not being at least bi. You gotta picture Santa Monica, 2025. That could be a world of hurt.

Well, the gays rule the world, right?

They’re better than we are, if that’s what you’re asking. If you come to Los Angeles, there’s a street called Santa Monica Boulevard, and Santa Monica Boulevard runs like a stripe right through Los Angeles. And if you get to Santa Monica Boulevard somewhere around Western Boulevard, or somewhere around Normandy, it’s dicey, dirty, scary, graffiti, hobos—the whole nine yards. It’s a dump. And then if you drive south on it about a mile, you’ll cross over La Cienega, and you’ll get to [West Hollywood], the gay part of town. And that part of town looks like a country club. You have the median with palm trees, you could eat off the sidewalk, the shops are beautiful, everything is manicured and well done, and obviously they’ve got a little more pride of ownership than the straight people do.

How do gays play into your argument that men are turning into chicks?

The argument I’ve had with a lot of gays is that they essentially present themselves as women. So, you tell your straight assistant, “Hey, go out to my car, get this sack of concrete out of my trunk and bring it to the office,” and he goes and does it. But if I turn to my gay assistant and ask him to do that—and I had a gay assistant—he’d turn to me and be like, “Are you high, buddy?”

So what do you do to stay so manly, then?

I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world. I was a carpenter; I happen to like mechanical things, I like cars, racing cars, architecture, building houses, and that stuff. But I’m not attempting to overcome anything; I just happen to be attracted to those more masculine aspects of life.

What do you think about feminists?

I think it’s fine; my feeling is a sort of “be careful what you ask for.” Because getting out there and hitting the workforce sounds awesome, but it kind of sucks. I wouldn’t mind being a Mr. Mom or a stay-at-home dad; that’d be cool. I wish my wife was attorney general or something like that.

Are you actually sexist, or is that just your shtick?

I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.