October's Halloween-ish Movie Trailers, Ranked by Scariness

A door handle rattles in the trailer for Guillermo del Toro’s "Crimson Peak." YouTube

This weekend, three much-hyped films with Halloweeny themes hit theaters: Hostel director Eli Roth's cannibalism gorefest Green Inferno, the Nic Cage chiller Pay the Ghost and the Adam Sandler-voiced animated vampire groaner Hotel Transylvania 2. So what fresh horrors will haunt us in theaters next month around the actual holiday? We've ranked all of October's scary trailers in the order they made our blood curdle—or in some cases, boil—from least scary to most:

Hell and Back, October 2

An R-rated stop-motion feature about two friends who rescue their buddy from Hell. Voices belong to Nick Swardson, Bob Odenkirk, H. Jon Benjamin, Maria Bamford, Rob Riggle, Lance Bass, Danny McBride, T.J. Miller, Mila Kunis, Susan Sarandon, Kumail Nanjiani, Jennifer Coolidge. What pact with the devil did they make to sign on to this piece of trick or trash?

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, October 23

A girl gets sucked into a TV. Or something. This Paranormal Activity investigation focuses on little white girls repeating "Bloody Mary" while staring into mirrors. Do we really need another one of these movies? Who's actually buying the tickets? Please investigate that paranormal activity.

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, October 30

Teenage boy scouts + zombie strippers = ughhhhhhhhhhhhh. Braiiiiiiins, we want braiiiiins! Evidently, somebody already ate those of the filmmaker and the execs at Paramount. Starring Miley Cyrus's ex-boyfriend Patrick Schwarzenegger, otherwise known as the Terminator's son. And Cloris Leachman (we hope she got paid).

The Last Witch Hunter, October 23

Vin Diesel is a...witch or maybe a witch-hunter. Unclear. Still, his melting butterscotch voice is enchanting. Let's dispense with the movie, though.

A Christmas Horror Story, October 2

William Shatner stars in this Krampus (the "anti-Santa Claus") story that should not be confused with the other movie about Krampus, which will be released in December and stars Adam Scott and Toni Collette. In this Krampus story, the elves get "infected" and become bloody, biting zombies and Santa has to fight his chain-throwing, horned devil of a doppleganger. Looks like B-movie Christmas came early!

The Diabolical, October 16

Ali Larter headlines this haunted houser that seems like it was stitched together from outtakes of Poltergeist and Paranormal Activity. A photo of mom and kid is covered in broken glass, lights flash, a bed levitates, doors creak, white children glare at the camera with wide eyes—you know the drill. "You're experiencing a phenomenon that's never been fully documented," some guy actually says.

Crimson Peak, October 16

Guillermo del Toro's latest project looks like a fun horror hayride, but a maddeningly predictable one. C'mon, del Toro! We expected better. The voice of a girl (Mia Wasikowska) deadpans, "I've seen them all my life"—which is kinda how we feel about this trailer. A door handle rattles, blood gushes out of a bathtub faucet, a wispy figure vanishes.... "This is your home now," intones actress Jessica Chastain, seen here as a pale lady carrying keys. At least the gilded, chandeliered mansion looks more fun than the interior decorating snorer The Diabolical.

Tokyo Tribe, October 23

Brutal street gang warfare in futuristic Tokyo, modeled after a popular manga series. It's like The Warriors in the future. Plus, it's a rap musical, but with a scary grape-eating lady instead of Alexander Hamilton!

Goosebumps, October 16

Remember when Tim Burton movies weren't annoying? This seems like a throwback to that long-forgotten era. Possibly due to the Danny Elfman soundtrack. A teen boy finds a bunch of manuscripts for—you guessed it—Goosebumps books! Teen girl: "Don't open it!" Whoops, too late! Jack Black plays R.L. Stine.

The Experimenter, October 16

Peter Sarsgaard and Winona Ryder in what's supposedly based on the true story of social psychologist Stanley Milgram's electroshock obedience experiments in the 1960s. A Sundance film festival favorite of New York Times critic Manohla Dargis that she called a " conceptually exciting, intellectually searching portrait. " We're in!

Legend, October 2

Not really a horror movie, but Tom Hardy plays twin (yes, both twins) mobsters Reggie and Ronnie Kray and he scares us, so we expect to be double-scared. People smoking in the backs of cars (it's London in the swinging '60s) also scare us—can't they at least roll down the windows? Much stabbing, shooting, slapping, punching, face-whacking, glass-throwing and furniture-breakage.

Pan, October 9

Does the phrase "prequel to Peter Pan" make you upchuck your Halloween candy? Didn't we learn not to mess with this classic after watching Brian Williams's daughter's sad attempt at never growing up on live TV? Now Warner Brothers is climbing aboard the public domain reboot train (remember Disney's Oz the Great and Powerful starring James Franco?), but something about the cheesy Apple-store sounding music makes us long to be devoured by a ticking crocodile. Hugh Jackman's black hair and kabuki paleness gives us Michael Jackson flashbacks, which were compounded by his announcement, "Welcome to Neverland!" The scariest part? Rooney Mara of The Social Network and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo appears as Native American princess Tiger Lily. The director, Joe Wright, is already defending the casting choice.