Mow The Lawn--Or Else

Kevin Schwall begged his girlfriend to have an abortion. Schwall had worked hard -- as a babysitter, a camp counselor and a Little League umpire -- to pay for his dream of becoming an English professor.

Marine To Marine Edition

As Mr. Johnnie slid lower and lower in his chair, the O.J. trial last week was all Barnum & Bailey. The CW is always surprised by how many Few Good Men are out there.

Tested Tactic

Lawyer F. Lee Bailey's tactics in confronting Los Angeles detective Mark Fuhrman last week were no surprise to another police officer. Nowretired San Francisco cop Peter Canaan encountered O.

It's Crying Time Again

As if the shaky government weren't an unholy mess, now Italy is grappling with a truly divine problem. In five cases over the past two months, Italians have reported blood or tears streaming from sacred Roman Catholic images.

Always One Step Ahead

Finally, a pundit with the answer to the Michael Jordan question: Ronald McDonald. In a McDonald's commercial set to air April 1, Jordan -- wearing a baseball uniform -- looks at Jordan -- wearing a basketball uniform -- and asks, ""I thought you retired?'' To which basketball Jordan slyly cocks his eyebrow.

The Death That Won't Die

When lt. Kara Hultgreen fatally crashed her F-14A while trying to make a carrier landing last October, navy aviators whispered that she was proof that women shouldn't fly combat jets.

Making A Killing On Talk Tv

It's one of the oldest story lines in the talk-show handbook: guests reveal their crushes on unsuspecting acquaintances. Last week, however, ""The Jenny Jones Show'' threw in a ratings-grabbing twist.

No Experience Necessary

Jerry Lewis's first stab at broadway was such a bomb, it's amazing he's trying again. The 1976 revival of "Hellzapoppin" was one of those virtually plotless musicals where the good stuff happens behind the scenes: a fired director; backstage romances; fights between Lewis and costar Lynn Redgrave, with whom he ultimately refused to rehearse.

Did The Butler Do It?

Tobacco heiress Doris Duke, a.k.a. "The Richest Girl in the World," was also one of the strangest. To look young, she underwent repeated plastic surgery, until her eyes seemed stretched to the sides of her face.

The King Of Pain Reigns

People called his office the heart of Darkness. In part, that's because Jonathan Dolgen presided over so many high-decibel encounters as president of the Sony Picture Group in the early '90s.

Multiplex To The Max

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE ONCE LITerally sang the praises of those sticky-floored, claustrophobic bunkers called movie theaters. Of course, theaters were a bit different in 1994, when Cole Porter in-eluded "the pants on a Roxy usher" in that divine song of superlatives "You're The Top." The Roxy, which sprinkled three organs, a miniature golf course and the world's largest oval rug around its 6,214 seats, was a theater that could make customers-not to mention the pre-Rockette troupe the...

Reading Frenzy

Denver's tattered cover book-store is not a superstore in the espresso bar/faux mahogany/20 Percent Off Every Day! mode, but it's certainly super. The furnishings are used and user-friendly: a leather couch in the psychology section, a church pew by religion, a '50s Frigidaire door where cookbook gourmands can post recipes.

Another Attack

DESPITE BEEFED-UP SECURIty, the vulnerability of the White House to random attack was underscored last week by another bizarre incident. On Saturday afternoon, a gunman pulled out a semiautomatic assault weapon and fired 20 to 80 rounds at the mansion.

Low-Key Encore

YOU'D EXPECT ONE OF THE hottest young soloists around to grab his fat cheek, go home and take a champagne bath when he's finished his solo. Not Gil Shaham, a 23-year-old fiddling sensation who appeared in Carnegie Hall last week with the Philadelphia Orchestra.

A Year In...Kugino?

FIRST IT WAS MEDIocre British musicals. Then it was tiramisu. Japan's latest obsession with things foreign has migrated to France's Provence region. The trend was kicked off by Peter Mayle, whose book "A Year in Provence" and its sequels have sold almost a million copies in Japan.

Usair 427: Not So Thorough?

TWO MONTHS AFTER THE CRASH OF USAIR FLIGHT 427, which killed all 182 people aboard, investigators at the National Transportation Safety Board have yet to figure out what caused the Boeing 787 to nose-dive as it approached Pittsburgh International Airport.

Fear No More

TIME WAS WHEN HILLARY Rodham Clinton was feared in the White House. But since Leon Panetta took over as chief of staff and established clearer lines of authority, that fear has faded. "Nobody is afraid of Hillary anymore," says a Clinton adviser.

Campaign '94 Spoiler Edition

The Democrats seem to be rebounding a bit, and Nwt probably won't be speaker. Clinton is still the biggest spoiler; arrows for the others below indicate overall standing.

On Top Of It

A 495-FOOT-HIGH, PYRAMID-shaped tomb built to hold 300,000 crypts may not be the way to go for everyone, but a lot of Floridians are dying to get in on the idea.

How Soon They Forget

It was no coincidence that Mikhail Gorbachev was out of town when Britain's Queen Elizabeth came calling on Russian President Boris Yeltsin in Moscow last week.

Iraq: Another Bad Deal?

Despite a warning by the united states and brit-ain to Iraq last week that they would ""respond decisively'' to any new troop buildup, top Pentagon officers are deeply unhappy over the agreement that ended the latest crisis.

Killing Time As Time Goes By

Is it possible that time is standing still even more than usual at the post office? It may seem that way in Boston, Van Nuys, Calif., and Kansas City, Mo., where the U.S. Postal Service has removed clocks and other ""non-user-friendly items'' such as bulletin boards and calendars from 30 lobbies.

Remember Me

Never mind those silly stories about the little old lady who bequeathed millions to Fluffy the cat. The New York City Bar Association says providing for your pet in the event you predecease him, her or it (do goldfish have a gender?) is serious.

Campaign '94 Edition

The latest CW is that it's the House, not the Senate, that has the better chance of going Republican, making Newt Gingrich speaker and the second most powerful man in America.

Clinton's Fall Strategy

FACING THE POSSIBILITY OF HUGE DEMOCRATIC LOSSES in November, Bill Clinton is gearing up to fight. Though some Dems prefer that he stay away, the president plans to be on the road campaigning fully half the days between now and Nov. 8.

Face-Lift For An Old Mall

IT'S NOT EXACTLY 170 ROOMS OF THEIR OWN, but the renovated Natick Mall in Massachussetts may be the first shopping center designed especially for women--or at least women who favor Laura Ashley architecture.

Dirty Talk

"CLERKS," AN AWARD-WINning black-and-white movie about two convenience-store clerks, features not one iota of sex or violence. But the Motion Picture Association of America gave it an NC-17 anyway because of its graphic discussions of sex, making "Clerks" the first narrative film to get the MPA's most restrictive rating solely because of dialogue.

Shadow Jury

THE LATEST MEDIA STUNT TO whet the public's appetite for coverage of the O. J. Simpson trial: a shadow jury. The Fort Worth Star-Telegram is running ads for a "readers' panel" that will watch the trial every day on Court TV at the newspaper office, comment daily on the proceedings-and finally render a verdict.

Campaign '94 Edition

Talk about air pollution -- those negative campaign ads are clogging our pores. And why would anyone want to spend millions to get a job where everyone hates you?

Gray '90S Edition

It's fall; the leaves are dying and the CW is really cranky--but it's not sure why. Is this the golden age of anything? We doubt it. We're mad as hell--and we're just going to keep on taking it.