The Borowitz Report: Bill Bennett Loses Wife In Poker Game

Gambling woes have taken their toll on former Education Secretary William Bennett once again as Mr. Bennett revealed today that he lost his wife in a high-stakes poker game Saturday night.

"While I regret putting my wife on the table, I felt that my hand was really strong and there was no way I'd lose her," the "Book of Virtues" author said at a Washington press conference. "I was totally flabbergasted when Jim Baker countered with a royal flush."

A spokesman for former secretary of state James A. Baker III confirmed that he had in fact won Mrs. Bennett in the Saturday night card game, but refused to elaborate any further.

But in a statement released later today, Mrs. William Bennett excoriated her husband for putting her in the kitty of the poker game and demanded that he win her back "this instant."

Cornered by reporters outside his home where he was arranging furniture and other personal items for an upcoming yard sale, Mr. Bennett said he had given up gambling for good and therefore had "no intention" of trying to win back his wife.

"Trying to win back Elayne at the poker table would be gambling, and I've learned that gambling is bad," he said. "I sure hope Elayne understands my position."

President Bush, who had been tight-lipped about the Bennett affair, later offered these words of support for the embattled Republican: "I'm glad Bill Bennett stopped gambling before he lost his shirt, because no one wants to see Bill Bennett without his shirt."