By Emeri B. Montgomery
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My nine-year-old daughter recently made her top 10 Christmas wish list. There were Barbie dolls, a Yoto Mini adventure, Hello Kitty goodies and, somewhere among those childhood treasures, a phone number. Wait. WHAT?
She already has my old cellphone, which she uses to play age-appropriate games. No Roblox or anything of the sort. She just can’t call anyone. Now she wants to talk to her friends. And I'm wondering whether that's a reasonable request or a parenting headache I'm not ready for.
Growing up, I'd drag our house phone's ridiculously long cord down the hallway for privacy and spend hours talking to friends about absolutely nothing. We'd giggle, gossip about school and eventually get yelled at to get off the phone. But at least we had that option.
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Today, cellphones have practically made house phones extinct. My daughter mostly communicates with friends at school through supervised Messenger Kids or during the occasional playdate.
Are we protecting children by keeping phones away, or limiting their opportunities to develop friendships and communication skills? And what about their mental health?
There's a difference between laughing with a friend and mindlessly scrolling through social media. Perhaps that's the distinction parents need to make.
What Other Parents Told Me
I took my dilemma to Facebook for one of my unscientific questions of the day: When did you give your child a phone number, and why? The answers were all over the place.
Some parents said fourth or fifth grade, particularly when their children started extracurricular activities. Others waited until middle school or closer to high school.
Parents who share custody wanted to communicate directly with their children. Others had kids who rode the bus and walked home and wanted reassurance they could call if something went wrong. For those families, a phone isn't a luxury. It's a tool for safety and communication.
What I learned is there isn't one magic age when children become ready for a phone. It's not like a car seat, where laws establish age, height or weight requirements to determine when children can safely ride without one. On these cellphone streets, it's more about responsibility, trust and lifestyle.
But while parents disagreed about age, one concern kept coming up: social media.
Many were comfortable with phones for communication. What worried them was access to platforms where bullying, social comparison and inappropriate content can affect children's mental health. And I get it. But a phone number doesn't have to come with TikTok, Instagram or unrestricted internet access.
Is My Daughter Ready?
Before you judge me for considering giving a nine-year-old a phone number, let me tell you about her. She sets alarms to wake up, go to bed and clean her retainer. She picks out her clothes, gets dressed, does homework independently and keeps track of things on her calendar. She's responsible, organized and more disciplined than some adults I know.
She also asks permission before using Messenger Kids, where I monitor conversations and manage contacts. Every now and then, I'll notice she's blocked a friend.
"Why did you block her?" I'll ask.
"Mom, she was being mean. I wasn't feeling that energy."
Well, all right then.
At nine, my daughter has apparently mastered something some adults spend decades trying to learn: protecting her peace.
Of course, blocking someone isn't always the answer. Children need to learn how to resolve disagreements, too. But I appreciate that she recognizes when someone isn't treating her kindly. Does that mean she's ready for everything that comes with a phone? Not necessarily.
A Phone Number Isn't a Social Media Account
Here in Texas, state law generally prohibits students from using personal communication devices during the school day, with limited exceptions. That includes lunch and passing periods.
As a parent, I appreciate that. Children should be learning, not scrolling through TikTok during math class. But outside school, how do we help children maintain friendships without exposing them to more technology than they're ready to handle?
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Phone calls can help children practice conversation and listening. But screen time shouldn't replace face-to-face interaction or sleep. If she gets a number, there will be rules.
No social media or app downloads without permission. No phones in the bedroom overnight. No communicating with strangers. And at 9, no expectation of complete digital privacy. The phone would be a privilege, not an entitlement.
Maybe Adults Need Phone Rules, Too
How many of us can't make it through dinner without checking our phones? How many sit with family, physically present but mentally lost in Facebook, Instagram or TikTok?
And here's the irony: We have phones, but most of us don't even want to talk on them anymore. "Text me. Don't call."
I'm guilty, too. If someone outside my top five favorite people calls, I stare at my ringing phone like it's a telemarketer trying to sell me an extended car warranty.
Remember when we used to race to answer the house phone? Now we watch our cellphones ring and wait for the text explaining why someone dared to call. We've become so connected to our devices that we're disconnected from the people right in front of us. And now we're worried our children will behave the same way.
So, Is Christmas Too Soon?
Part of me sees a responsible little girl ready for greater independence. Another part sees a nine-year-old with so much childhood ahead of her. Maybe the answer is yes to calling friends, but still no to social media.
Yes to independence, but with boundaries. Because somewhere between the little girl who needed reminders to brush her teeth and the 9-year-old who now sets her own alarms, my daughter has been growing up.
Perhaps the hardest part of parenting isn't deciding when our children are ready for more independence. It's accepting that sometimes, they might be ready before we are.
Emeri B. Montgomery is Newsweek's Director of Homepage Operations.
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