Fantasy Football 2018: Confessions of the Worst Person in the League

I don't mean to be the worst. But when it comes to being in a fantasy football league I can really be the worst.

I'm not bad at fantasy football—or, at least, the drafting of a respectable squad—I'm just bad at the maintenance of fantasy football. The waiver wires and the bye weeks and roster updates and injuries and trade offers. In my most serious league—one with my brother and old friends who worked together at a summer camp—man, I especially screw that one up.

That's my truth and I'm here to confess it. With fantasy draft season well underway and surely countless drafts going down this weekend, it feels like the right time to get this off my chest. Here goes:

-I confess that, in my heart-of-hearts, I know there is—at best—a 15 percent chance I remember to set my lineup every week. And that's if everything breaks right.

-I confess I come into Draft Night having convinced myself—falsely—that it's not going to be the same this year.

-I confess it cracks me up when you threaten to kick me out. Every year. And yet here I am, back for another season.

-I confess I laughed this July when my brother texted me: "Somehow and someway you are still in the fantasy football league."


combine_image football booth
This photo illustration shows a confessional both (left) and a football (right) because we're here to confess what it's like to be the worst person in a fantasy league as drafts likely take place this weekend. Left: Mustafa Ozer/AFP/Getty Images, Right: Patrick Smith/Getty Images

-I confess I start the season with the best of intentions. Kind of.

-I confess I have no idea how anyone remembers to set their lineup before every Thursday. Injuries happen at the last second! There are other things to do! Like work! And Thursday is boneless night at Buffalo Wild Wings, for God's sake!

-(Do you have a social life? Do you trawl around the waiver wires for players as if you're Charlie Kelly skulking the sewers with his rat stick?)

-I confess I feel bad for my opponents who play my full lineup while others play a team with a blank space where a running back should be because I forgot my player had a bye.

-I confess that sometimes I see the group-text messages reminding me to set my lineup and just say, "Screw it, I already forgot last week" and then just go about living my life.

-I confess I absolutely love s**t-talking you jabronis and that if you ever did truly kick me out I would keep talking trash outside the league.

-(You won't kick me out, though. Cowards.)

-I confess despite giving it the bare minimum effort, I think fantasy is really fun.

-I confess I think things like research and endlessly staring at a phone screen are not fun.

-I confess I like being the wild card of the league—the guy where you never know what you're gonna get.

-I confess that every once in a while I get upset for throwing away money every year in the league.

-(But our fee isn't high enough to really change anything.)

-I confess it cracks me up I've somehow finished in the Top 3 twice despite being the worst.

-I confess that despite this whole ridiculous column projecting some sort of self-awareness, I've convinced myself this year will actually be different.

-(Probably not—but there's always next year.)