Fury as Mother-in-Law Lies About Not Being Able to See New Grandchild

By Sophie Lloyd On 2/21/23 at 11:05 AM EST

Family & Parenting Family Parenting Relationships Mumsnet

A woman using lies to manipulate her daughter-in-law, days after she gave birth, is being slammed online.

Sharing her distress with Mumsnet's Am I Being Unreasonable? (AIBU) forum, user Kardelen explained that she had given birth to her second child four days ago.

However, her mother-in-law (mil) is already pressuring her to visit—and is willing to lie to get her way.

"Mil was at ours when I came back from hospital," the poster wrote. "She mentioned going to hers next week so she can invite her family to see the baby."

Exhausted new mother napping against baby's crib — A stock photo of an exhausted new mother napping against her baby's crib. A mother-in-law has been criticized for lying to get to see her grandchild. Artfoliophoto/iStock/Getty Images Plus

Initially, Kardelen's husband put his foot down, and told his mother that his wife needs more time to recover before socializing.

In response, his mom began ignoring his calls. She has been telling people that her son and daughter-in-law have banned her from seeing her new grandchild.

"Her close friend now keeps calling [my husband] and saying how it's his mum, so not to ditch [her]," the poster continued.

"She's getting older and to bare with her (she's 55) and how she's excited as a grandmother."

Since then, her husband has caved in to his mother's demands. The poster has an appointment with her midwife, after which her husband wants them to go to his mom's house for a gathering.

"She probably is going to sulk the entire time, so how would I even respond?" Kardelen asked. "Or would she think because she acted this way we are visiting?"

Kardelen wrote that she has "been in tears" since discovering the mother-in-law's lies. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time she has acted this way.

Son and his wife arguing with mother — A stock photo of a son and his wife trying to reason with his mother. Initially, the poster's husband defended her, before giving in to his mother's demands. JackF/iStock/Getty Images Plus

"When I had my first, it was a very complicated birth and again it was the same story, it made me depressed," Kardelen wrote.

"I promised myself that this time round I'm not going to get upset but I just can't help it. I'm angry at myself!

"If she does invite her extended family and we go, I'm gonna be expected to help out. I'm feeling really tired and sleepless, and not sure if I'd be okay to be hosting in a few days!" she explained.

"Aibu [for] wanting to stay at home and do the gathering later on?"

In the poll attached to the post, Mumsnet users unanimously agreed that the mother-in-law was in the wrong, with 98 percent calling her behavior "unreasonable."

'New Mom's Need a Calm, Nurturing Environment'

Ruth E. Freeman, founder and president at Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, said mothers are understandably exhausted after giving birth. They deserve time to relax and recover while adapting to their new role.

"Whether a natural birth or a C-section, mothers are fatigued and beginning a new path that is unique with each child and completely consuming," Freeman told Newsweek.

"Research has made it abundantly clear that mother and baby will thrive best when they are exposed to as little stress as possible and can enjoy a calm, nurturing environment."

Mother crying in car while baby sleeps — A stock image of a young mother crying in a car while her baby sleeps. The poster does not feel up to socializing so soon after giving birth, with the mother-in-law's tactics leaving her in "tears." globalmoments/iStock/Getty Images Plus

This includes forced visits and socializing before they feel ready. Even close family members are expected to respect the new parents' boundaries and desire for space.

"Baby and caretaker are a unit, and whatever is done to the caregiver is also done to the baby," Freeman said.

"[In this case], the mother-in-law making a fuss, lying to her friends and hassling mom is completely counter to what is needed during this stage of infant development.

"During pregnancy and after birth, babies do best when parents and extended family understand these facts, and offer nothing less than utmost tenderness and support," Freeman added.

'Forget About That Lunatic'

Mumsnet users blasted the mother-in-law and her manipulative behavior, with user fruitbrewhaha writing: "Don't let her get to you."

"Your MIL sounds like an entitled spoilt brat," agreed Therealjudgejudy.

"She's a manipulative nightmare," wrote AnneLovesGilbert.

"If you give in to her tantrum she'll do it again," warned HungryandIknowit.

Stressed mother feeding her baby on couch — A stock photo of a tired, stressed new mother feeding her baby on a messy couch. Parenting expert Ruth E. Freeman told Newsweek that it's important for new mothers to have a supportive, nurturing environment while they adjust to their role. DGLimages/iStock/Getty Images Plus

"Let her have her pathetic tantrum and stand firm with your [husband] that you're not going anywhere," wrote MrNook.

"You have a [husband] problem. Tell him no and mean it," commented rothbury, while 3luckystars posted: "Forget about that lunatic and enjoy your baby!!!!"

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.

Kardelen isn't the only mom to ask the internet for help with a toxic mother-in-law.

A woman this month shared her despair with the AIBU forum, after discovering that her mother-in-law had been teaching her toddler to call her "mama." Another grandma's method of "helping out" with the childcare made Mumsnet users furious in December.

If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.