Fury as Divorcee Tells Cousin Who Lost Fiancé It's Not a Grief Competition

A post about a family conflict between a woman going through a divorce following a miscarriage and another whose fiancé passed away has gone viral on Reddit, where it received 15,100 upvotes at the time of this writing.

In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A****** (AITA) subforum, user wasithea******_ said her miscarriage last year was "the worst moment of my life" and it "took a big hit" on her relationship with her now ex-husband. Their divorce was finalized last month and "it's honestly a different type of pain...," the user said.

The poster recently went to a family Christmas dinner, where many relatives "kept checking in" on her, "asking if I was doing okay and bringing me food. I felt really loved..." Her cousin "A," whose fiancé died recently, was also at the dinner "but wasn't talking much and mostly kept to herself."

Two women arguing on couch.
A stock image of two upset women arguing on a couch, gesturing at each other with their hands. A woman going through a divorce following a miscarriage and another whose fiancé passed away argued at a family Christmas dinner. iStock/Getty Images Plus

An October 2019 study published in the peer-reviewed journal Psychosomatic Medicine stated: "The death of a loved one has been recognized as the greatest life stressor that we face as humans, heading the list of stressful life events..."

As the cousin was seen getting a soda, the Redditor in the latest post asked if she could bring her one as well. According to the user, her cousin then "got upset and started going off" at her, questioning "why she should have to bring me things [that] I can get my own."

The user told her cousin that she only asked "since she was already there and she's making a big deal."

Looking like she was about to cry, the cousin allegedly "kept going off about how I expected everyone to 'fawn' over me and no one cares about her and her fiancé."

The original poster replied: "We're all doing our best. I'm sorry if she feels that way but this isn't a grief competition, and she should understand that."

The Redditor said her cousin's sister later messaged, telling the user she is "awful" and "we're all awful" to the cousin.

Jordan Bierbrauer, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks, mental health services provider in Colorado, told Newsweek: "No one experiences grief the same way. Grief is an individualized experience, and there is no right or wrong way to do it."

In the latest Reddit post, "it sounds like there were high emotions and that is normal with grief. Lashing out is normal with grief too, as emotions can sit at the surface and build and build until something (even something minor) can make them explode."

Bierbrauer suggested both parties should "exercise the idea of dialectical thinking," which challenges someone to view the situation from different perspectives.

"This would allow the writer to understand how her cousin felt spending her holidays without her fiancé for the first time, and would allow the cousin to understand that the writer was not trying to come off maliciously," Bierbrauer said.

The latest viral post has sparked debate among users on Reddit, with many criticizing the original poster.

In a comment that got 54,100 upvotes, user WokeJabber said: "...Her fiance just died. And your relatives were all hovering around you, because of a year old event. Grief is not a competition, but some is fresher than other..."

User Rasputin1357 said: "YTA [you're the a******] OP [original poster]...The child loss is hard and would cause grief but the divorce due to it would be a relief if anything. But the loss of her fiancé. What does OP think they grow on trees or are exchangeable like spare tires? If they are so easy to replace go get a new one to replace your husband..."

PoppinBubbles578 agreed, stating "...YTA. It's not that hard to shift focus from the entire family from OP to A [the cousin] who is obviously going through very new grief, withdrawing from family..."

MembershipJaded5215 was more diplomatic, stating the poster is "NAH [not the a******] - pain is pain. Suffering is suffering...trying to compare whose emotional and physical wounds are bigger does nothing for no one. You're suffering. She is trying to share hers in a very odd manner..."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment. We could not verify the details of this case.

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