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By Daniella Gray
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Hilary Duff has opened up about what it was like growing up as a child of divorce while appearing on a recent episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty and shared the pressure of becoming the "family peacemaker" at a young age.
The mom of four told Shetty her song Weather for Tennis reflected her experience of being someone who smooths over family conflict and “makes everything right.”
“Towards the end of the song, you finally realize, like, I’m going to put an end to this,” the 38-year-old Come Clean singer explained. “The message behind it is feeling that a lot of people can relate to of just...it’s exhausting to keep up being the one to make things right or to carry the burden or to make the call or to stay the bigger person and keeping the peace.”
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With over 670,000 divorces recorded in the U.S. in 2023, Duff’s experience is far from unique.
“Many families have a peacekeeper who steps in during a conflict to ease the tension,” Shelly Qualtieri, a registered social worker and therapist (shellyqualtieri.ca), told Newsweek. “Peacekeepers want everyone in the family to be connected and safe. They care deeply, and this often comes with a cost.”
According to Qualtieri, people who identify as the peacekeeper often learn this role early in life and, in her experience, often feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
“They learned early in childhood to read the room and adjust their behavior to prevent conflicts from arising,” she said. “Keeping the peace became the most important goal.”
Research shows children raised in high‑conflict family environments often learn to manage tension by monitoring and appeasing others—patterns that can persist into adulthood and shape people‑pleasing behaviors.
In a 2014 study, psychologists found children raised in high‑conflict homes often learn to manage others’ emotions—monitoring, mediating or soothing adults’ disputes—in an effort to restore a sense of emotional security.
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Qualtieri explained these patterns can shape how adults handle stress and relationships long after childhood ends.
“Peacekeepers may try to manage other people’s emotions and rush in to solve their problems,” she said. “Although the intention is often good, the long-term effects can be damaging for everyone involved.”
One of the biggest consequences, Qualtieri added, is that peacekeepers often neglect themselves. “Peacekeeper’s own needs often get pushed aside. They are skilled at caring for others but struggle to ask for help,” she said. Over time, this imbalance can lead to burnout, resentment and emotional exhaustion.
Healing starts with a shift in perspective. Qualtieri said peacekeepers often need to relearn that disagreement isn’t inherently harmful and can actually strengthen relationships when approached with care and respect.
Therapy often focuses on helping peacekeepers separate their self-worth from their role in holding others together. “It’s not their job to keep the peace,” Qualtieri said. “They are allowed to have needs. Peacekeepers are deeply empathetic, [which] is a wonderful quality. The goal is not to withhold empathy, but to find balance.”
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