Humor: Make All-Star Losers Pay for A-Rod Divorce

Everybody knows the All-Star Game--the supposed "Midsummer Classic"--has long been a ratings and drama disaster for Major League Baseball. Players didn't much care about bragging rights, fans didn't tune in and the game was a laughingstock in 2003 when a tie was declared in the 11th inning after both teams ran out of relief pitchers. That's why the overlords of baseball decided a few years ago to raise the stakes so that players would take the game seriously and TV-watchers might care more. Starting in 2003, the league that won the All-Star Game got home-field advantage in the World Series. But the incentive didn't really work--the games are still boring and the ratings are still low. So we propose to up the ante: this year the losing league has to pay the legal fees for Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez. With so much on the line, Pete Rose bowling over Ray Fosse at home plate--the infamous last play of the 1970 game--would pale in comparison to the pre-game handshakes.

What better way to celebrate the final All-Star Game at Yankee Stadium on Tuesday! Once upon a time, we rooted for the likes of Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle to hit one into the bleachers at the great sports shrine in the Bronx, and we celebrated their baseball skills. Now we're more interested in the off-field antics of today's nonpareil Yankee slugger, A-Rod. As any reader of any sports section in America knows by now, Cynthia opted out of her marital deal last week, citing various alleged infidelities on the part of A-Rod.

Both parties of course have assembled All-Star legal line-ups in anticipation of a battle that will make Yankees-Red Sox series look like a campfire chorus of "Kumbaya." But lawyers rarely solve anything and the usual winners in legal battles are the lawyers. Besides, with A-Rod having a $300 million contract over the next decade, there's plenty of cash to go around. No, A- and C-Rod ought to skip lawyering it out in divorce court or contemplating marriage counseling (Dr. Phil wouldn't touch this tempest even if it was televised prime-time during sweeps). Instead, to manage their newfound free agency, they should simply hire better agents.

Clearly they're not getting very good advice these days. Remember superagent Scott Boras, who apparently advised A-Rod to opt out of his Yankee contract last year--a decision that was sensationally and foolishly announced during the World Series? A-Rod eventually dropped Boras, got advice from Warren Buffet, and limped his way back to the Yankees, getting a lucrative contract yet one that might've been higher had he not walked away in the first place. Well, surely even Boras could do better for the Rodriguezes right now than C- and A-Rod have done for themselves. Cynthia is rumored to be with rocker Lenny Kravitz. Alex has been linked in the press to Madonna. Face it, the Rodriguezes weren't making beautiful music as a couple, and they're hardly doing better apart. At 49, Madonna's so old she's pre-designated-hitter. While Kabbalah may be ancient Jewish mysticism to most people, it's current events to her. (Cynthia reportedly blames Madonna for using Kabbalah to influence Alex.) Meanwhile, Lenny has about as many hits as Alex usually gets in the postseason. He's well-known for identifying himself as both Christian and Jew. Are Alex and Cynthia playing a hybrid of the old "Saturday Night Live" game of "Quien es mas Jewish?"

Neither of us is a Yankees fan. Rooting for the Mets and Cubs, we're perfectly happy to see all manner of embarrassment fall upon the Bronx Bombers. But A-Rod's not a bad guy and we wish him well. If he really needs a middle-aged celebrity icon, there's no need to break up Guy Ritchie's family. Someone else just came on the singles market: Christie Brinkley. (It's been a particularly good month for the tabloids and messy celebrity divorces, which as Maureen Dowd pointed out, are the true American pastime.) She's tall, she likes sports, she lives nearby--they'd be perfect. As for Cynthia, Brinkley's ex, Peter Cook, may be a bit old, but she'd surely have the money he needs for his Internet bills.

We were just trying to help.