Imagining the Trumps on Father's Day

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U.S. Republican presidential candidate, real estate mogul and TV personality Donald Trump kisses his daughter Ivanka Trump after formally announcing his campaign for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination during an event at Trump Tower in New York June 16, 2015. Brendan McDermid/Reuters

Ivanka Trump taps the heels of her Ivanka Trump Lifestyle Collection Trump for President Diamond stilettos. Click. Clack. Click. Her signature Trump Tap: Click and clack the stilettos thrice. There's no place like an executive corner office at the Trump Tower.

Ronaldo the Trump Ferret scurries under chairs, desks, the floor-to ceiling oil painting of The Donald. Ronaldo is really her father's ferret; he takes long naps during the day on top of Papa Trump's head. But sometimes he stops by to visit Ivanka. Ronaldo is no ordinary ferret. His fur is the color of IHOP pancakes slathered in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. He seems to get more and more fake buttery every year.

Clenched in Ronaldo's teeth is a package. He drops it onto Ivanka's desk. Trump Lifestyle Collection powder. Her regular delivery.

"Nya-uhh, excuse me?" Ivanka beckons her new assistant, a quiet Girls-ish girl. Ivanka keeps forgetting the Girls-ish girl's name. What is it again? Natalie? Nina? Ninktasha? Nantinka? It does start with an "N." Ivanka's sure of it. She's quite perceptive that way.

N: "Do you need something, Ms. Trump?"

"Find my sister Tiffany! We need to go shopping now. There's some kind of holiday today. Don't you see it in my calendar?"

"Father's Day?"

"That's the one. His favorite. The only time of year he thinks his kids are worthy of being Trump Children. The day we have to spend money on him.The day we're finally 'wise investments.' Call Tiffany's assistant. Immediately! Did I not tell you that a few minutes ago?"

"Yes, Ms. Trump. I'm on it."

"Do I have to remind you that my dad will be president some day?"

"I got the memo, Ms. Trump. And watched the escalator ride on Fox."

"We need to get him a gift, fast. I know Tiffany hasn't done squat. Hmmmph! How about...the White House! Think maybe you could put five percent down on the White House? He loves real estate. Use my Ivanka Trump Lifestyle Collection Platinum Amex."

"I don't think the White House is for sale, Ms. Trump?"

"Hmmmph! You may be right. But why are you just sitting there? Give a girl a fish! I need you to put this Trump Lifestyle Collection powder on a Trump Lifestyle Collection Playboy Diamond mirror while you're at it. The one modeled after something I saw in Hugh Hefner's bathroom. I'll have my powder in the office today."

"Yes, Ms. Trump."

N disappears. Ronaldo scurries behind a 14-karat gold case of Trump Vodka engraved "Success distilled." In 2006, Ivanka's dad swore the T&T (Trump and Tonic) would eventually become the most popular drink in America's bars. It still could happen, Ivanka thinks. Last week he had her rebrand the family hooch for his upcoming campaign: "America is drunk on Trump."

Click. Clack. Click. "WARE THE F-ING F IS T?" Ivanka texts her assistant on her Ivanka Trump Lifestyle Collection Trump Diamond iPhone. Trump Tapping her keyboard as she Trump Types. "SND WHITE HOUS KAKE 2 D ASAP! SRSLY WAT IS WHOLD UP?????"

Ivanka keeps click-clack-clicking: "ALSO GT A MZ UNVERSE 2 JMP OUT. WITCHEVR ONES DRNKEST. NOW!"

"How does that old Marilyn Monroe song go?" Ivanka wonders aloud. "Happy Father's Day, Mr. President?"

Ronaldo scrambles behind a stack of sapphire-encrusted titanium Donald Trump 2016 campaign coasters and knocks over a pile of Trump Caviar. Ivanka sticks out her Ivanka Trump Lifestyle Collection Playboy Diamond Dangle Tongue Piercing.

"Sometimes I wish Dad never rubbed that dusty old lamp!"

Ivanka realizes that if in 1989 her father hadn't rubbed that lamp he found at the construction site for the Taj Mahal, there wouldn't be a Ronaldo. And if no Ronaldo, no Trump Towers or Trump Presidential Inauguration.

"BUT. WHERE. THE. F. IS. TIFF?????????"

Whoosh! The door opens.

Tiffany is here.

She tosses her blue Rhinestone Trump Cape and matching Rhinestone Trump Sailor Cap across the leopard-print loveseat. Glitter scatters everywhere. Ivanka squeals. How irritating! It's not even Ivanka Trump Lifestyle Collection glitter.

TIffany: "Let's buy daddy something at Tiffany."

Ivanka: "You mean the jewelry store?"

Tiffany nods. Ivanka sighs.

Which reminds Ivanka, where is N with that powder? And what was N's name again?

For the third time today, the door bangs open. Click-Clack-Click. The Trump Tap!

It's The Donald. And his head is completely bald.

The Donald: "Where's my hair piece?"

Ronaldo leaps onto The Donald's head.

Tiffany: "There's your hair piece."

N rolls in the White House cake. Ronaldo squirms with joy. A big splurt oozes down the back of The Donald's neck.

Ivanka: "Happy Father's Day!"

Donald: "Ivanka, I need to tell you something. Your mother Ivana didn't get pregnant from me. Ronaldo is your true father."

Ronaldo scurries behind one of the White House cake columns. He looks embarrassed.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, DAD," Ivanka cries. "SHOW ME THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE."