An Interview With Eugene Mirman, Volume 6

Eugene Mirman Sub Pop
The comedian Eugene Mirman describes himself as America's "Master of the Noticing." Shawn Brackbill

Eugene Mirman is a comedian who lives in Brooklyn, best known for his avant-garde stand-up, a supporting role as the adventure-obsessed Gene on Bob's Burgers, and as Bret and Jemaine's landlord on HBO's beloved Flight of the Conchords.

His third comedy album, I'm Sorry (You're Welcome), is an absurd nine-volume, seven-LP opus ranging from "A Guided Meditation to a Thoughtful Body" to an "Introduction to Spoken Russian" to "Over 45 Minutes of Crying," which features him—you guessed it—crying for over 45 minutes.

As such, Mirman's interview with Newsweek will come in nine volumes leading up to the album's release date, October 30. Here is Volume 6, entitled "A Hypothetical Game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill.'"

H. Jon Benjamin, John Hodgman, Jon Hamm.
Oh, interesting! I always think that's interesting because what people leave out of the "marry" part is that you'd probably also fuck that person [laughs]. Oh, I don't know. I can't have any of them seeing that I would kill them. Fuck, marry, kill...maybe marry Jon Benjamin. But John Hodgman—yeah, I don't know. Well, sorry, fuck Jon Hamm. Like, he's a lot of fun...but they're all really wonderful! I don't want to kill any of them. They're so nice! It would be funny if it was hug, high five, play cuddle. Something that's not as sexual.

OK, we can pass on that one. Next up is Lou Reed, Iggy Pop, David Bowie.
Lou Reed. Whatever the question is.

Fuck, marry, kill?
Oh, that's funny. I like that you just have the same question. Well, I don't know Iggy Pop's stuff as well as the others, so I'd probably kill him even though I know that's potentially from an uninformed point of view. I love Lou Reed's music, but I wonder if he's difficult. I wonder if you would just fuck him because, you know...and I don't know enough about David Bowie to know if he was difficult and if you'd want to spend a life with him. But maybe! I feel like once you get to know [Lou Reed] he's probably a sweetheart. But what is that likelihood?

That's the thing. Are you going to be the one to bring it out of him if you're married?
I bet you could really talk some sense into him, and he'd be a sweetheart. Because I like his music the most, I think I'd marry him, and if it turned out bad, I could divorce him and would have to marry David Bowie.

Alright, another one: Guy Fieri, Alton Brown, Gordon Ramsey.
Well, you kill Guy Fieri. Even Guy Fieri would be like, "I'm the one who's killed." Gordon Ramsey, and who's the third?

Alton Brown.
I don't know enough.... Part of me is like, Gordon Ramsey is probably the most fun to fuck, but he might be the best chef. I wanna marry him forever. So I guess you fuck Alton Brown, then marry Gordon Ramsey and hope that he doesn't yell at you about food. Plus, he could be teaching me recipes. He has so many nice hotels. It'd probably be a lavish life.

What if you replaced Guy Fieri with Anthony Bourdain in this scenario? So Anthony Bourdain, Alton Brown, Gordon Ramsey.
Oh, then I'd marry Anthony Bourdain.

What about David Lynch, Jim Jarmusch and Werner Herzog?
I bet Werner Herzog would probably be the most pleasant to be married to. I know David Lynch's movies the most.... I don't know. So much of it would come down to their personalities that I don't fully know. It's hard to say. To me, that's a bit of a toss-up.

Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio.
What's funny with people you don't have a shared ideology with, it's who's the most...who would be the most up for an interesting debate but also pleasant to go for a walk with? But the question to me is: Who is personally the most agreeable and interesting? Rand Paul, I probably disagree with him on more stuff, but he might make an interesting friend. I guess I don't know the level which he's ideological to a fault. Jeb Bush would be, like, maybe you could change his mind about something. Marco Rubio is the prettiest of them all. So it's hard. Do you just go for looks?

That's why I'm asking you!
They're all kind of interesting. I bet they're all... I don't have a strong preference. I'm going to have to fuck two of them in this scenario, so yeah. I'd have to see who's the most fun to go on a road trip with.

These three people are all named on your "195 Orgasms" LP: Bonnie Raitt, Abraham Lincoln, Mandy Patinkin.
Well, Bonnie Raitt... Oh, am I marrying one of them? Oh, I feel bad because maybe Mandy Patinkin is still alive, and Abe Lincoln is dead.

Oh, I didn't mean Abe Lincoln's corpse. For the purposes of this hypothetical, Abe Lincoln is alive.
If Abe Lincoln was alive, I can't be the guy that people say, "Oh, are you the guy who killed Abe Lincoln?" And I'd be like, "No, I'm the guy who killed Mandy Patinkin." And then marry Bonnie Raitt because, well, she's a lady, and I think I'd be happier in a relationship with a lady. But in terms of a road trip, I'd probably want to go on a road trip with Abe Lincoln! But I guess they're all on the older side. The real question is: Would you marry a 22-year-old Abe Lincoln or a 90-year-old Abe?

Check out Volume 1, Volume 2, Volume 3, Volume 4 and Volume 5 of Newsweek's interview with Eugene Mirman.