Colorado Official Roasts Michigan With Hilariously Fake Football Depth Chart

On Plati's fictitious Colorado depth chart, Tufnel and St. Hubbins are snappers. REUTERS

On Monday, University of Colorado director of sports information David Plati was speaking with his counterpart at the University of Michigan, David Ablauf. The Buffaloes travel to Ann Arbor to play a football game against the 4th-ranked Wolverines on Saturday. "So, are you guys putting out a two-deep chart?" Plati asked, referring to the positional depth charts that schools customarily release each week during the season.

"No," Ablauf replied. "Coach doesn't do that."

"Coach" is Jim Harbaugh, the steel-eyed nonconformist in his second season at his alma mater. When Plati informed the Buffaloes' coach, Mike MacIntrye, of Harbaugh's breach of protocol, he said, "Well, I don't think we should release one, either."

Plati, who has served all 32 of his years as CU's director of sports information with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, had a better idea. "I just thought, Why not have a little fun?" he said. "So I made up my own depth chart."

Plati's two-deep includes characters from some of his favorite films, such as Caddyshack, This Is Spinal Tap and The Godfather. It includes nods to a pair of legendary socialists, Vladimir Lenin and Bernie Sanders, at free safety. A foursome of deodorants at right guard. There is even piscine punning: After snapper, a legitimate position, Plati added "grouper," listing Abe Vigoda (Fish from Barney Miller) and Stephen Furst (Flounder from Animal House).

This is not Plati's first foray in creative writing while compiling pre-game press information. A few decades back, Kansas State was the first school on Colorado's schedule that refused to include injury reports (today, most schools do not). So Plati compiled a faux injury report for the Buffs that listed items such as "Vito Corleone, Out, Bullet Holes."

"It just feels as if people don't have as much fun as they used to," says Plati. "It's a college football game. There's no need to take it so seriously."

Below, we've re-created Plati's two-deep chart as a numerical roster. Beneath that is a legend with a short description of every "player" listed. Without Googling, we invite you to see how many players you are able to match to the description. Answers are at bottom.

00 Jim Otto

1 Olive Oil

1 Carl Spackler

4 Wanda Gershwitz

007 James Bond

8 Stewie Griffin

8 Sonny Crawford

9 Willie Wonka

12 Danny Devito

13 Elmer Fudd

14 Archie Leach

14 Lloyd Christmas

15 Roy McAvoy

15 Squints Palledorous

17 Scotty Smalls

18 Elwood Blues

19 Manute Bol

20 Ernie McCracken

21 Vladimir Lenin

21 Harry Dunne

23 Billy Ray Valentine

23 Travis Bickle

23 Alex Foley

25 Danny Noonan

26 Frank Drebin

27 Happy Gilmore

29 Louis Winthorpe

31 Roy Munson

32 Steve Hanson

32 Bill Walton

33 Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

33 Jack Hanson

34 Jeff Hanson

38 David St. Hubbins

44 The Dude Lebowski

47 Peter Griffin

56 Gillette Sure

56 Auric Goldfinger

58 Vito Corleone

63 Nigel Tufnel

63 Abe Vigoda

64 Harry Callahan

66 Stephen Furst

68 Bill Lumbergh

69 Eric Cartman

70 Fat Albert

71 Butch Cassidy

73 Bernie Sanders

75 Milton Waddams

78 Secret Degree

81 Clark W. Griswold

82 Frederick Frankenstein

85 Roy Walley

88 Jake Blues

90 Austin Powers

93 Luca Brasi

95 Neil Page

96 Del Griffith

97 Scott Evil

A) Youngest child and dad on Family Guy

B) Violent yet innocent trio of siblings from Slapshot

C) Pair of renowned socialists

D) Office Space boss who's going to need you to come in to work on Saturday

E) Transylvanian doctor whose name you'll likely mispronounce

F) Obstinate golfer from Tin Cup who just won't lay up on 18.

G) Unabashed fan of "wabbit season"

H) Bumbling Naked Gun detective

I) Rail-thin 7'7" former NBA player

J) Taxi driver in Taxi Driver

K) Notorious James Bond villain

L) Traveling buddies in Planes, Trains and Automobiles

M) Black-suited bros from Chicago

N) Nemesis and son of Dr. Evil

O) Former Oakland Raider center, Hall of Famer

P) Caddyshack characters, one of whom played with the Dalai Lama

Q) Former UCLA centers who won NCAA championships

R) Dumb and Dumber duo

S) Popeye's girlfriend

T) The Mick and Keith of Spinal Tap

U) Sleeps with the fishes

V) "Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?" (should be wearing "44")

W) Bifocal yokel and new kid in town from The Sandlot

X) Trading Places frenemies

Y) Abides

Z) Makes people offers they can't refuse

AA) "Hey! Hey! Hey!"

BB) Vacation-taker

CC) Best pal of the Sundance Kid

DD) Office Space character for whom there was no office space

EE) Main character from The Last Picture Show

FF) Foul-mouthed South Park lad

GG) World-weary 12th Precinct detective

HH) Kingpin adversaries

II) Founder of Walley World

JJ) Characters from A Fish Called Wanda

KK) Licensed to kill

LL) Taxi dispatcher not in Taxi Driver

MM) Unorthodox golf sensation

NN) Dispenser of golden tickets

OO) Also known as Kent Dorfman at Delta House

PP) Detroit cop working in Beverly Hills (Plati meant "Axel")

QQ) Deodorants

Answers: Jim Otto-O; Olive Oil-S; Carl Spackler and Danny Noonan-P; Wanda Gershwitz and Archie Leach-JJ; James Bond-KK; Stewie and Peter Griffin-A; Sonny Crawford-EE; Willy Wonka-NN; Danny Devito-LL; Elmer Fudd-G; Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne-R; Roy McAvoy-F; Squints Palledorous and Scotty Smalls-W; Elwood and Jake Blues-M; Manute Bol-I; Ernie McCracken and Roy Munson-HH; Vladimir Lenin and Bernie Sanders-C; Billy Ray Valentine and Louis Winthorpe-X; Travis Bickle-J; Axel Foley-PP; Frank Drebin-H; Happy Gilmore-MM; Steve, Jack and Jeff Hanson-B; Bill Walton and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar-Q; David St. Hubbins and Nigel Tufnel-T; The Dude Lebowski-Y; Gillette Sure Secret Degree-QQ; Auric Goldfinger-K; Vito Corleone-Z; Abe Vigoda-GG; Harry Callahan-V; Stephen Furst-OO; Bill Lumbergh-D; Eric Cartman-FF; Fat Albert-AA; Butch Cassidy-CC; Milton Waddams-DD; Clark W. Griswold-BB; Frederick Frankenstein-E; Roy Walley-II; Austin Powers and Scott Evil-N; Luca Brasi-U; Neil Page and Del Griffith-L

Colorado Official Roasts Michigan With Hilariously Fake Football Depth Chart | Sports