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By Maria Morava
Relationships Reporter
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A man has sparked conversation on Reddit after refusing to financially support his ex-partner and her children from another relationship, despite having the means to help.
The original poster (OP), with the username u/JayFreeman1970, shared the details of his dilemma, in which he wondered after an argument with his ex if he was wrong for not supporting children that aren't his. Newsweek spoke to Frank Thewes, a licensed therapist and owner of Path Forward Therapy LLC, about obligations people have to past partners.
In the post, the OP explained that he shares two children, aged 12 and 13, with his ex. When they broke up seven years ago, the mother relinquished full custody to him and has been seldom involved in their lives since. Her circumstances worsened over the years as her new partner left, and she was left caring for their special needs child while pregnant with another.
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Struggling to make ends meet, living out of a motel and expecting a baby, she asked the OP for financial help and to stay at his lake house about 30 minutes away from her. He refused both requests, telling her he had "no obligation to help."
In the post, titled "AITA [am I the a****** ] for 'letting' my ex and my kids' half siblings 'be poor' when I could help?" the OP wrote, "She called me an AH. She said that I am letting 'my family' suffer unnecessarily when I have the means to help. I told I have no obligation to help. We have been arguing ever since."
Newsweek reached out to u/JayFreeman1970 for comment via Reddit.
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Many Reddit users backed the OP's decision, agreeing that he was not responsible for his ex's situation.
"You have responsibilities to your kids...You do not have responsibility to your ex or any other kids she has," one user, u/Tangerine_Bouquet, wrote. "You can facilitate visitation, or anything else that's for the benefit of your two children, but it's more than reasonable to say no to anything else. She needs to chase the other kids' father (or other family) down for their support, if she can."
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Others expressed concerns that the ex might try to manipulate or guilt him into providing help further down the line.
"Stay far away from her, and please, please, please OP for your boys' safety, always, always be there whenever she does visit them," user u/shxe_marie wrote. "People like her will intentionally put themselves in a predicament, inconvenience others for it, then blame and gaslight others why they're in that situation."
'A Middle Ground'
While the OP has the legal and financial right to refuse assistance, the emotional dynamics involving shared children make the situation more complex. Many Redditors staunchly supported the OP's right to refuse, but Thewes offered context and potential future repercussions.
"People generally don't have any obligation to their exes. That's the point of ending the relationship," he said. "But these two do share children together, which creates a lasting connection after the relationship."
Thewes said that while the OP has no obligation to help, he should think about how his children might perceive his actions in the future.
"He may want to consider that his children may view how he treated their mother any way they want when they become adults," Thewes said. "If he does nothing, their children may judge him harshly...We can't rule out that his ex has mental health issues. This doesn't obligate the poster to help her, but it offers a middle ground."
Thewes said that the OP could offer financial assistance if his ex agreed to participate in programs aimed at improving her mental health, addressing potential substance abuse issues or preparing her for employment. This way, he might even enable the mother of his children to see them more frequently.
"He isn't helping his ex, he is helping the mother of his children," he clarified.
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