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By Lydia Patrick
Life & Trends Reporter
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The internet has rallied behind a woman whose boyfriend left her at a restaurant and criticized her natural hair in a text message.
Reddit user u/starloogy, a 21-year-old woman, shared her story on the subreddit "Am I Overreacting," explaining how her boyfriend, 22, walked out during their dinner. When she texted to ask where he had gone, he responded with a harsh message:
"It makes me upset when I bring you to nice restaurants and you wear your puff instead of taming it down or something nicer. I know it's your natural hair, but I see girls your complexion with their hair done and it makes me wish it was different for us."
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To make matters worse, he followed up by sending an AI-generated image of what he described as a "beautiful, dark skin, curly hair cute" woman.
The original poster (OP) returned home, deeply upset, and shared the experience with her roommate, who dismissed her feelings and insinuated she was overreacting.
"I feel like I'm going insane because everyone around me seems to think it's not that big of a deal and most of them laughed at the picture," she wrote on Reddit.
Experts Weigh In
Three relationship and mental health experts shared their thoughts on the troubling situation with Newsweek.
Emotional Validation and Toxic Patterns
Anna Glaser, a psychotherapist in private practice, emphasized that the OP's feelings of distress are valid and should not be dismissed.
"Your emotions don't require anyone's else's recognition or agreement to matter. On the contrary, I'm shocked to hear that some people have suggested that you're overreacting.
"Your distress is not an overreaction but a genuine emotional response to early signs of toxic relational patterns in your partner—signals that are guiding you to act in your best interest," she said.
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Glaser identified the boyfriend's behavior as manipulative and controlling, pointing out his attempt to diminish the OP's sense of self with his criticism. She also highlighted societal pressures on women, particularly women of color, regarding appearance.
"Please know that you deserve respect, kindness, and a partner who appreciates you for exactly who you are. If I may bend my own rule, and give you one piece of advice it would be this: wear your hair however you'd like to."
Red Flags and Self-Worth
Relationship expert Anastasiya Pochotna of the Flirtini dating app was more direct, advising the OP to seriously reconsider the relationship:
"Leaving someone at a restaurant without explanation, then following up with criticism about their appearance, shows a clear lack of respect and empathy. It isn't something you should just brush off or try to fix, especially so early in a relationship."
Pochotna identified several red flags in the boyfriend's behavior, including his immaturity in leaving the restaurant, his fixation on the OP's appearance, and his use of an AI-generated image as a supposed ideal.
Reflection and Emotional Impact
Madelyn Lunder, a psychotherapist at Madison Square Psychotherapy, urged the OP to reflect on how this situation might affect her confidence and mental health:
"His deep concern for how her looks reflect on him at nice restaurants, and furthering his expression of concern by sending her a photo of what she "should" look like.
"These actions present a sense of narcissism and lack of regard for how his opinions might impact her self-esteem especially in the direct manner he communicated these feelings."
Lunder encouraged the OP to consider whether this relationship allows her to be her authentic self and suggested discussing these concerns with her partner if she decides to continue the relationship.
Reddit Reacts
The Reddit community overwhelmingly supported the OP, condemning her boyfriend's actions and offering words of validation.
One user remarked: ""He had to send an AI photo to get an image of the fantasy in his head. Leaving a restaurant is throwing a childish fit over something he should have no opinion about. You should be free to wear what's comfortable and style your hair however you like."
Another added: "AI just making a chick with Western white features and giving her brown skin—that's his example of what he wants his Black girlfriend to look like? What the actual [expletive]. Asshole has no idea how hair works, especially very textured hair. I really feel for OP dealing with that."
A third commenter shared a litmus test for identifying red flags:
"Whenever I dated someone and wasn't sure if it was a red flag, I imagined them dating my sister or daughter. If you wouldn't want them treated that way, why let them treat you like that?"
Newsweek reached out to u/starloogy for comment via Reddit. We could not verify the details of the case.
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
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