Man Supported for 'Hating' Wife of 20 Years After She Came Out as Gay

A man has found support after he admitted to "hating" his wife after she came out as a lesbian this month.

The viral Reddit post, titled, "My wife came out this month, and I feel like I'm not allowed to be mad," has garnered over 19,100 upvotes and 1,800 comments since it was posted in "True Off My Chest."

Redditor @dolcheetgabana shared the post on June 12, and he revealed his wife came out as a lesbian, adding that she "saw it fitting with it being June." The original poster's (OP) wife's father recently died, and he was "infamously homophobic" and had even disowned his son for being gay.

Marital argument
A man was supported for "hating" his wife of 20 years after she came out as gay. Here, a man and a woman arguing while seated on the couch. LIUBOMYR VORONA/GETTY

According to a 2021 Gallup poll, 5.6 percent of adults in the United States identify as LGBT. In addition, 54.6 percent of those individuals identify as bisexual, 24.5 percent identify as gay, 11.7 percent identify as lesbian, and 11.3 percent identify as transgender. About 3.3 percent added in their own term as well.

The OP and his wife have been together for 24 years, and they started to date when they were 19 and 20, marrying at 25 and 26. The couple is now 43 and 44, and they have three children ranging in ages from 10 to 16. "Their lives are about to be torn apart thanks to a divorce," the OP explained.

I gave her my entire youth.
Original Poster

"I gave her my entire youth," he continued. "While my friends were out partying with other women and experiencing their early 20s, I was in with my girlfriend. While my friends had finally made it out of college and started working and living alone with expendable income, I was married. When my friends were in their late 20s early 30s, I was with my wife and our baby."

He admitted he "loved" his wife and was "willing" to give those things up to be with her, and he believed the "sacrifice was worth it." However, he reasoned she didn't, and what he thought was two decades of "bliss" was actually "agony" for his wife.

"Forcing herself to be okay with sex with me," the man continued. "We only made 'love' once or twice every few weeks. I drove myself crazy trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. It's just that she didn't want me."

The OP admitted he's "mad" as well as "furious" with his wife, but he gets it.

"She was so far into this lie that it was difficult to find a way out," he reasoned. "However, she still lied. She lied to me for nearly a quarter of a century. I built my life with someone who I thought wanted to be with me on a lie she fed me. I gave over half of my entire life. I gave her my everything and she didn't even want it."

I gave her my everything and she didn't even want it.
Original Poster

Now the OP's wife expects him to "understand," and she wants him to be "supportive" and not to see her as a "villain" in the situation. However, the OP can't, adding that what she did was "villainous."

The man concluded: "What she has done is worse than cheating. This is heartbreaking, and I can't help but hate her. But I can't. I have to keep a unified loving front for my kids. So, they can still view their mother with love and not as the villain she was been to me. I just hate this and her."

Redditor Reactions

Numerous people are backing the OP, and many seemed to have sympathy for him in the situation. One such comment received 12,400 upvotes on its own. "There is literally zero reason this shouldn't greatly upset you," they said.

"...The fact is she's a victim of a world that used to not support someone like her and in many places they still don't," said another, but continued that her long-lived lie was still hurtful. "...But what she did is make you an equal if not worse victim and not only is the world to blame, she is too..."

One Redditor doesn't think the OP's wife gets a "pass" just because she came out as a lesbian. They also added that what she did to her husband is both "terrible and selfish."

She let you believe you had built a life with her when it was nothing but a lie.
Reddit comment

"She let you believe you had built a life with her when it was nothing but a lie," the user wrote. "All because she didn't want her dad to know. She could have been single until he died and let you marry someone that actually loves and cared for you. I wouldn't be nice about this at all."

Another user thinks the OP has "every right to be mad," and they didn't stop there. "Deception is deception. You can co-parent and keep interaction with her to a minimum. And you can date when you're ready. Plenty of people find love the second time around."

While another comment received 11,900 upvotes on its own, which insisted that the OP is "allowed to be mad." The user also added: "Screw everyone who says you have to support her and not show emotion. You're allowed! I'm ready for the negative downvotes."

Other Redditors revealed the same thing happened to them as well.

"I spent 25 years living a lie," one said. "Turns out he was gay. I wasted all those years. I understand how you feel. So sorry it hurts."

Another said they found out on their 15-year wedding anniversary but found the comments on the Reddit post troublesome.

She's blowing a hole in your life but she's taking a blowtorch to hers as well.
Reddit comment

"I read through many of the comments here and was surprised by all of the vitriol," they said. "Not surprised by some of it but Jesus Christ folks need to show an ounce of empathy. She's blowing a hole in your life but she's taking a blowtorch to hers as well. There's a legitimate chance that she's going through a lot of self hatred, doubt and every other emotion all at once. I'm assuming she didn't cheat on you (figure you would have mentioned it) and if that's so then there's not really a villain here. Having a villain won't help you in the long run and it certainly won't help your children."

One user called the man's soon-to-be-ex a "piece of s**t," adding, "There is nothing to understand here. We are not in the 50s anymore. Being gay has been accepted mainstream for like 20 years. She could have ended it long ago. She was just afraid of her daddy disowning her."

Another user said they "don't support" what the woman did. "She dragged you in this long-term lie, and I feel angry [with] her for wasting your time," they wrote. "I understand why you feel this way."

Newsweek reached out to Redditor @dolcheetgabana for comment.

This isn't the only viral post involving relationships.

A man was bashed for leaving a birthday getaway after his girlfriend made a drunken comment.

A "toxic" wife found support for saying no to her husband.

In addition, the Internet supports a woman who left her fiancé at the mall over a "tantrum."