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By Lucy Notarantonio
Senior Reporter
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A heartbroken woman has turned to the internet for advice after finding out her long-term boyfriend had a vasectomy—without telling her.
Reddit u/ThrowRA_IdiotInLove explained that she has always wanted to be a mom and made it clear from the first date with her now ex-boyfriend, 34. However, he didn't feel the same.
The 29-year-old wrote: "I've always been sure I'd like to have 1-2 kids and he was on board with having kids eventually."
Read More on Family & Parenting
According to research, childless men, rather than women, are more inclined to express a desire to become parents in the future. A Pew Research Center survey of 770 U.S. adults under 50 found that childless women are more likely to state that they simply do not want to have children, with 64 percent expressing this sentiment compared with 50 percent of men in the same age group.
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But this isn't the case for this couple, as the woman went on to explain the extreme lengths her boyfriend of seven years went to in order to ensure he didn't have children. The August 2 post has received 8,900 upvotes and many users are livid about his actions.
She begins the post by stating that shortly after the couple purchased their first home together they started to try for a baby. However, she did not become pregnant. This caused her anxiety as she began to believe something was wrong with her.
"I started taking vitamins, eating healthier, exercising more…But I couldn't get pregnant. Not being able to get pregnant severely affected my self-esteem," she wrote. "I felt like s***
"My boyfriend tried to brush it off, saying that 'it was okay' or that 'maybe we're just not meant to be parents' and then would stress how great our relationship was, how maybe me not getting pregnant was a sign, and that even if we didn't have kids we could be a DINK [dual income no-kids] couple and enjoy life. Now, while there's nothing wrong with being child-free, that's not the life I personally want. If I can't have kids biologically, I'm perfectly fine adopting or fostering, but in my future, I've always envisioned having a family with kids and that's what I've worked my ass off for all those years."
She visited a fertility clinic and all her test results came back normal, so the professionals advised that her partner's his sperm quality should be checked. However, upon being told this, he appeared to be "visibly nervous" and came up with excuses to avoid this. His "weird" behavior led to questions from his girlfriend of seven years.
"He blurted out that he had a vasectomy done (four) years ago," she wrote. "I was baffled. And I still don't get it. Before seriously considering kids, we often talked about the future and our hypothetical family, hell, we had been actively trying for a baby for over a year!"
She goes on to explain that he didn't tell her because he assumed she would break up with him. He ignored how depressed she was getting about the fertility issues and hoped she would abandon the idea of having a family. This did not happen though, and his initial fears were realized when she broke up with him and moved out after finding out about his deception.
Her ex-boyfriend and his family have asked her to give him another chance and he has offered to have the vasectomy reversed but the woman says she wants "nothing to do with him."
However, she added that "everyone is making me feel like I'm the bad guy and telling me that everyone makes mistakes and that I should forgive him."
Although she said she still loves her ex, she wrote: "I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for lying to me for years over something he knows is so important to me."
Expert Advice
Newsweek discussed the post with relationship expert, Railey Molinario, who lives in Cheltenham, England. She points out that a relationship will thrive when partners have a common vision and share the same values and expectations.
"Shared values are essential for navigating the complexities of life together," she said. "Today, we have more freedom than ever to choose our partners and make decisions about marriage and children, highlighting the importance of finding someone whose goals and values align with our own.
"Along our life journey, our perspectives and aspirations naturally evolve. It's crucial to approach these changes with trust, vulnerability, and open communication to maintain a strong connection. However, entering a relationship knowing that there are fundamental differences, such as views on having children, requires a deeper level of understanding and acceptance. Each partner must recognize and respect that the other may never change their mind.
"If we don't have mutual acceptance of these differences, along with vulnerability and trust, as in the case of the boyfriend in this article, we'll end up with a relationship where one partner prioritizes their desires over the well-being and mutual agreement of the relationship."
Reddit Reacts
So far, the post has received 3,800 comments and the top comment alone has 10,000 upvotes.
It said: "You can't ever take him back. He not only intentionally defrauded you, he let it go on for four years while watching your mental and emotional health be destroyed by not being able to conceive."
"He didn't have it done at the time of the first date. They had been together 3 YEARS when he secretly had it done," said another user. "He knew her well enough to know that kids were non-negotiable but he decided to make sure he got what he wanted, her dreams be damned."
A third commenter said: "Exactly. Some people won't realise just how emotionally and mentally draining it is trying to conceive, waiting to take tests and being disappointed time and time again. You can go weeks thinking you might be pregnant only to be disappointed. He put her through that. He sat by and watched her be devastated. He is inhuman to be able to cause that and not feel debilitating guilt and tell her the truth."
Newsweek reached out to u/ThrowRA_IdiotInLove comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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