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By Alyce Collins
Senior Reporter
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Feeling unlucky in love and like you're just never going to find the right person? Many people try to remedy that by downloading yet another dating app, but psychiatrist Dr. Alok M. Kanojia has told Newsweek that our devices might actually be part of the problem.
It's easy to think that our phones hold the answer to finding someone, what with all the dating apps and social media at our fingertips. But Dr. Kanojia has explained that falling in love seems harder now because, essentially, we've "raised the bar for what it takes to feel good."
You might be wondering what has caused that shift over time. Well, according to Dr. Kanojia, it all comes down to one thing: dopamine.
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Dopamine is a chemical messenger made in the brain that helps to communicate messages to the rest of the body. It's often referred to as the "feel-good hormone," creating a sense of pleasure and is part of the body's reward system. When you do something pleasurable, such as eating or drinking, your brain releases dopamine to make you feel good so you do it again.
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While the initial phases of dating rely heavily on sensory input and attraction, falling in love takes more and that requires a "dopaminergic high" that makes it harder.
Dr. Kanojia, co-founder of Healthy Gamer, a mental health coaching company, told Newsweek: "When you fall in love, someone's mere presence comes with an addictive rush. We can't get them out of our minds and their presence feels amazing. This feeling of craving their attention and the pleasure we feel is driven by dopamine. We also know that dopamine suppresses more analytical parts of our brain, hence ignoring red flags or possible problems in the relationship."
This is where it becomes more interesting, as Dr. Kanojia suggests that you really can have too much of a good thing because our brains build up a tolerance to dopamine over time.
In fact, using our phones and other electronic devices can provide us with dopamine hits. Just think about that joy you feel when you open your favorite app, or when the screen lights up with a new notification—these little hits of dopamine add up over time.
"With technological devices, you're getting these quick bursts of dopamine over and over again," Dr. Kanojia continued. "Think about notifications, likes, or even just scrolling through endless content. Over time, you need more stimulation to get the same level of pleasure.
"People get a ton of dopamine from technology, that's why it's so addictive. The bigger problem is that once we get used to high amounts of dopamine from technology, other dopaminergic activities (like reading or talking) become less enjoyable. Using our dopamine through technology means there's less available for other activities, including falling in love," he said.
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Another way he explains this phenomenon is the idea of eating cake for every single meal. It might be delicious at first, but the more you eat it, it becomes less enjoyable, and even your favorite cake won't have the same effect.
This is how electronic devices could be making it harder to experience love, as they're "wearing out our dopamine receptors" by constantly bombarding us with stimulation.
Dr. Kanojia said: "It becomes harder for us to feel joy or motivation from smaller, slower experiences because our brain has built up a tolerance. Think about it like the amount of juice in a lemon. At the beginning, if you squeeze a little bit, you get a lot of juice. But the more you exhaust it, the harder you have to squeeze. Technology is like a lemon juicer as it squeezes out a ton of juice, but then there's no juice left for falling in love."
In September, Dr. Kanojia appeared on the popular podcast The Diary of A CEO with British entrepreneur Stephen Bartlett. He explained the role that dopamine plays in a person's happiness, and why technology has made falling in love so challenging.
Clips of the interview were circulated on TikTok and went viral with millions of views and thousands of likes.
For anyone still in search of that special someone, Dr. Kanojia recommends avoiding electronic devices, especially in the hours leading up to a date. If you spend ages scrolling through TikTok and Instagram prior to a date, your dopamine stores will be completely dried up before you've even left the house.
It's best to at least give them a chance to sweep you off your feet, wouldn't you agree?
Dr. Kanojia hopes that more people will heed his advice and open themselves up to love by putting the devices down.
"Your sensitivity to falling in love and being enamored with people depends on your dopamine stores," Dr. Kanojia told Newsweek.
He added: "Everyone knows that it's true, but almost no one understands why. Think about if you spend a day scrolling on your phone—how much pleasure do you get from other activities? We feel numb and spent, even though we haven't done anything all day."
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