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By Lucy Notarantonio
Senior Reporter
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Parents want nothing but the best for their children, and they certainly don't want them to go through unnecessary hardships. But sometimes making it a priority to prevent children from having any bad experiences can have a lasting negative effect.
In a viral TikTok video shared by a mother of two named Courtney (@ask.courtney), she said she used to be a "lawn mower parent," meaning she used to try to remove every obstacle in her children's paths. But the trauma counselor soon realized that this wasn't beneficial.
Courtney, 41, told Newsweek: "In the past, due to my upbringing, I tended to be a rescue parent, always wanting to shield my children from pain and difficulties."
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The clip, which has received over 453,000 views and more than 24,000 likes, is captioned: "This was my greatest failure that took a lot of repair to remedy."
The video features a screenshot of a comment from a TikTok user asking why this parenting style is "so bad" and accusing Courtney of wanting to see her kids, who are 9 and 14, suffer.
Courtney, who lives in New England and didn't wish to share her surname, recorded the moment she asked her son "J" about his thoughts and experiences. He says that his mom didn't want him to experience pain, shame, discomfort or disappointment.
During the clip, she asks the teenager, "So every time that I rescued you from those emotions, what did that do for you?"
He responds: "It taught me that I wasn't able to control those emotions or I wasn't in control." The underlying message was that he wasn't "good enough."
His mother told Newsweek: "This approach unintentionally conveyed to them that they were incapable of handling their own emotions and lives. As they grew older, especially my son, I realized that my parenting needed adjustment.
"I learned to step back, allow him to make his own choices and learn from them," she continued. "Instead of imposing my way, I adopted scaffolding as a parenting strategy, offering support while giving him the space to lead his life and learn from his decisions. I shifted the focus from what I believed was best to what truly supported his growth and development.
"Now, he independently makes decisions, learns from his experiences and seeks guidance when necessary, fostering a more open and supportive parent-child relationship," she said.
What an Expert Says
Newsweek discussed the clip with Janet Philbin, a licensed clinical social worker.
The Hauppauge, New York–based author of Show Up for Yourself: A Guide to Inner Awareness and Growth, said: "In the end, this is not a good parenting style, as you can see it leaves the child ill-equipped to become independent and self-reliant."
Philbin told Newsweek that lawn mower parents are deeply fearful about their children's future and strongly desire their success and happiness. They believe that their own anxiety and fear will diminish if their children are successful and happy.
She suggested that parents' overcontrolling behavior stems from their own unresolved issues and anxiety. This behavior is an attempt to manage their anxiety by excessively managing their child's life, and it likely began early in the child's life and continued through their school years.
"The parent overdoes, problem-solves for the child and may even do schoolwork for the child," Philbin said. "In the end, this leads to the exact opposite of the parental goal, which is success and happiness, and instead leads to a child who may suffer from low self-esteem, lack of agency, low self-confidence, not trusting themselves or their decisions, codependency on the parent, anxiety, depression and "failure to launch."
TikTokers React
More than 1,300 TikTok users have commented on the clip. One user said: "Sounds great, but my anxiety and my 'I need to help people' personality makes that hard."
Courtney responded: "It isn't helping them, though—it's helping your own need. Does more damage in the long run."
Another user wrote: "I needed to hear this today. It caused me to realize that I'm doing this to my child. Thank you."
A third commenter said: "Love this! It's so damn hard as a mom but we need to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them."
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured in Newsweek.
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