A Note From Stephen Colbert

Ten cents an issue? Why, that's robbery! You should be ashamed of yourself the way FDR should be ashamed of his socialist New Deal and these newfangled Drive-In movie theaters should be ashamed of promoting premarital gear shifting! I give your rag a year, tops. (Full disclosure: I have not been born yet.)
Stephen Colbert, Heaven's Waiting Room
Feb. 16, 1933

I write in reference to your coverage of the so-called Watergate "scandal." What's the big deal? So they broke into a crummy hotel room. If the President wants to, he can break into my room anytime. And when he does, please ask him not to look in the blue duffel bag in the back of my closet labeled "Not Playboys."
Stevie C., Charleston, S.C.
July 29, 1974

Your story on the heroic U.S. invasion of Grenada was a rare job well done. Tiny Caribbean island nations will now think twice before posing a threat to our national security. I'm looking at you, Trinidad. (Tobago, we're still cool.)
Stephen Colbert, Hanover, N.H.
Nov. 1, 1983

Dear NEWSWEEK, I never thought this kind of thing would happen to me. I was at the library making last-minute edits to The Dartmouth Review when Miss Shimock, the young librarian, walked up to my table wearing nothing but a copy of Atlas Shrugged. She made a strong case that it was in my rational self-interest to take off my pants ... Wait, I think I'm writing this letter to the wrong magazine.
Stephen Colbert, Hanover, N.H.
Sept. 18, 1984

Once again, your liberal panty lines are showing. Putting Bill Clinton on the cover, just because he won the election? You completely neglected the big story of the week: Pat Buchanan turned 54!
Stephen Colbert, Patterson Springs, N.C.
Nov. 14, 1992

Your coverage of last week's Clinton-Dole debate failed to mention that Ronald Reagan is the greatest president in our nation's history. For the record, you also failed to mention it in your article about rap producer Sean "Puffy" Combs and the review of That Thing You Do!
Stephen Colbert, Patterson Springs, N.C.
Oct. 10, 1996

Wake up, America! The Y2K bug is coming! Once computers are asked to divide by zero, they'll realize humankind's fallibility, become self-aware and take over the planet. I beg you all, on New Year's Eve, surround your computers with powerful magnets so they can't chase us. And if I don't make it out of my Y2K bunker alive, please see that George Will gets my collection of awkward baseball metaphors.
Stephen Colbert, New York, N.Y.
Nov. 21, 1999

Your so-called Ronald Reagan "memorial" issue was a half-hearted disaster. Would it have been so hard to change the name of this week's issue to Reagansweek in his memory? Oh, wait, that sounds like he's weak. On second thought, how about Reaganstrong?
Stephen Colbert, New York, N.Y.
June 15, 2004

Regarding your cover story "Obama on Obama"—I know print media isn't thriving right now, but you guys can't even splurge for a reporter? Making the President interview himself?! For shame!
Stephen Colbert, New York, N.Y.
May 26, 2009

Your June 15 issue was a tour de force! Such breathtakingly fresh views! Such virtuosic guest-editorship!
Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., New York, N.Y.
June 15, 2009