An Objective Ranking of All the Stupid Animals in Super Bowl 50 Commercials

Heinz
Animals dominated this year's Super Bowl commercials. Heinz

As is always the case on the Monday following the Super Bowl, the commercials are just as relevant around the water cooler as the game. Super Bowl 50 happened to be boring as hell, which is all the more reason to focus on the $5 million slices of air space that CBS packed in between three-and-out after three-and-out.

Other than an overabundance of celebrities, what stood out about this year's batch of ads were the animals. There were a lot of them. Some of them were stupid. Others were less stupid. Here are Newsweek's definitive rankings.

11. The teenage mutant ninja turtles in the trailer for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

The creepy CGI teenage mutant ninja turtles nearly ruined my childhood when the first remake came out in 2014. Nothing has changed.

10. The panther in the trailer for The Jungle Book

A lot of solid CGI animal action here, but let's focus on the panther. After this commercial aired, the Carolina Panthers went on to lose one of the most boring Super Bowls of all time. Not a good sign.

9. The bucking bull for Butterfinger

It kind of stops bucking once it's airborne. Points deducted.

8. The dancing horse for Bai

On the one hand, the horse has some nice moves. On the other hand, you're going to let this clown get into your head like that? You're a good-looking horse. Be a little more selective about whom you let whisper to you.

7. The crapping dog for OIC is different

Finally, a commercial bold enough to tap into our deep-seated jealousy of dogs' ability to crap on the sidewalk without repercussions. And it's in black and white. Powerful.

6. The Budweiser Clydesdales that are definitely "not ponies"

Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my Clydesdales casually galloping under light snowfall, not gearing up to kick my ass.

5. The puppy monkey baby for Mountain Dew

Memorable but unsettling. Would have been ranked higher if it wasn't only two-thirds animal.

4. The conflicted bears for Hyundai

The Revenant dealt a catastrophic blow to the market value of bears, and the species' road to rehabilitating their image will be long and arduous. This is a nice first step.

3. The Doritos dogs

Yes, these dogs are highly intelligent in a feel-good Homeward Bound sort of way, but all this creative energy expended for a few bags of Doritos? You find a trench coat, a hat and sunglasses; stack yourselves on top of one another; and don't even visit the deli section?

3. The singing sheep for Honda

Shattering the stereotype that sheep have the worst voices in the animal kingdom.

2. The platonic friend marmot for Marmot

Very cute. Marmot in a raincoat. Very cute.

1. The wiener dogs for Heinz

Nothing really needs to be said here. The clear champion.