Today in Tabs Dot Com: The Game Needs Me

Donald Sterling
Solange gives everyone on Twitter a chance to make the same joke, and Donald Sterling does himself zero favors. Danny Moloshok/Reuters

Obviously the biggest news in Tabs is the Solange / Jay Z hotel elevator scuffle, which features the perfect blend of celebrity and spectacle presented through enough layers of mediation—a shaky phone-cam video of a grainy black and white security-cam video of a silent argument between people so famous they register simultaneously as family members and distant gods—for everyone to immediately feel emotionally invested, but still safe enough to coöpt it for their own purposes. So Vox turned it into a semi-self-satirical explainer on who slash what is slash is a "Solange", and Vox-haters turned that into an opportunity to make fun of Vox, and the Circle of Life continues. Meanwhile on Twitter, every half-wit did their annual math problem and came up with the same joke. As always, Buzzfeed aggregated the 'shops for us. Spencer Kornhaber at The Atlantic did a reasonably good job pulling apart the layers of this baklava of prurience without exactly making them add up to anything. And all the while, of course, #brands were brands.

World's most racist waxwork Donald Sterling sat down with Anderson Cooper ostensibly to apologize but actually to drop some real talk about Magic Johnson and all those AIDS he's been carrying around the place. "But what does [Magic Johnson] do for the black people? He doesn't do anything," said Sterling, which are bold words for a man whose face looks like a pile of hot dogs. His wife Rochelle Sterling, who as co-owner of the Clippers would also be forced to sell if her estranged husband gets the hook, would like to take this opportunity to try to make you feel sorry for her filthy rich ass. Any takers? Anyone? Hello?

like regular screaming, but it compiles to javascript

— caged kestrel (@direlog) May 9, 2014

If you're anything like me, you're getting ready to punch yourself in the face as hard as you can by now. But wait! Don't do that. Just read Kathryn Jean Lopez in The National Review taking an average of 9 cheap shots at Monica Lewinsky per sentence in an article that has the gall to close with a call for "brotherly love." Ok, now punch yourself in the face. I'll wait.

For a pick-me-up, here's this news that someone made off with about $30,000 which had been donated to Anonymous by idiots on Indiegogo (Indiegogo: When You're Too Shady For Kickstarter!) to start an Anonymous news service or something?. New York "did we mention we invented #normcore?" Magazine would like to remind you again that they invented #normcore. Someone broke into President Garfield's tomb with a bottle of Fireball cinnamon whiskey and stole his commemorative inaugural spoons which are invaluable, but only in the sense of being "literally without value." And finally, from Mother Jones, comes this triumph of a story about Macauley Culkin's recursive t-shirt and pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band which is told in the form of a knock-knock joke. It deserves all the Pulitzers there are.

Amazon, Hachette feuding, writers lose. The Satori Generation is Adbusters shiny spin on a generation that seems to have just given up on their lives ever being any good at all. The Divorce Rate in Maine correlates with US per-capita margarine consumption, and other spurious correlations. Jaden Smith is already the best at using Twitter, but it turns out his tweets are also brilliant Garfield comics. Missed Connections for A-Holes, from the New Yorker DOT COM. What is it like to snuggle for a living? Automatically turn any text into a patent application: "The Communist Manifesto, a web-based method and device for haunting Europe." The International Space Station is live-streaming the Earth in HD. I can see your house from here.

Today's Domain: (hit reload)

Today's Song: Beirut vs. The Pixies vs. Coldplay vs. Tupac vs. Eminem, "Where is My Fix?"

Today's Motto: The game needs me.

~there are some tabs I will not eat~

Today in Tabs does not have an excuse for our absence yesterday. We just had a thing. You know. Read us almost every weekday on Newsweek DOT COM or in your email DOT COM.