Today in Tabs: Happy Valentabs Day

Tom Perkins says the votes of the rich should count more Robert Galbraith/Reuters

💘You have the key to my heart💘
but not the private key, that's sloppy security

— sarah jeong (@sarahjeong) February 14, 2014

Greetings from Maine, the new home of the Mysterious Fireball, which coincidentally is also my Roller Derby name.

It's Valentine's Day, so we're going to see what some awful people have said online in the last day or so. That has nothing to do with Valentine's Day, it's just what we always do. For example: spokes-creature for the suburban apocalypse Sarah Palin explains (on Facebook, of course) why she keeps using the word "Orwellian" despite literally not knowing how to read. Spoiler: it's because someone read her this completely deranged post.

Meanwhile the New York Times expects us to take the housing concerns of 20-something millionaires seriously. "'The whole building is filled with rich young millionaires,' said John Gomes," who apparently did not intend it to be targeting intelligence.

Today in Atavism: Tom "Cristal-nacht" Perkins suggests that we should bring back poll taxes and that voting power should mirror wealth, because Tom Perkins's ideal society is ancient Rome, and he wants all of us to shut up and just be slaves. I don't see the class war against the rich that he's talking about, but I'd hate to let him down, so let's get that started ASAP. Meanwhile, ladieeezzzz, have you started finding your man yet? What are you waiting for? Like the Twilight Zone episode, to serve a man is the only thing that can give your life any meaning. One of the last two tabs is about a notoriously virulent misogynist who has been called out by the Southern Poverty Law Center's extremism report, and the other is an opinion column in the Wall St. Journal by the author of a new book about dating. Can you tell which is which? And also, how much do you think a professional NFL cheerleader makes? Yeah, it's a hell of a lot less than that, but hey, they have a 3 pound leeway in body weight, so ¯_(ツ)_/¯.

This couple pays each other to do household tasks. Currently she owes him $80,421.10, so I guess that's working out pretty well for everyone.

You Absolutely Must Read: Caity Weaver went on a Paula-Deen-themed cruise with Paula Deen and if those aren't words to get your sluggish, cynical heart racing, then you are dead inside and cold and there is nothing more I can do for you. "I wanted to see," writes Weaver, "who was willing to spend, at minimum, roughly $3,000 to support a downtrodden millionaire. I wanted to see if there were any black people... I board the ship expecting racism. I find death and despair (and friends)."

Turning from the truly awful to the merely absurd, the Witches of Bushwick are back in the New York Times. Again. In fact Capital New York media reporter Peter Sterne posted a couple of tweets documenting the Times's obsession with witches, all the way back to 2000.

The libertarian rubes who think Bitcoin is anything but a way to get themselves robbed have gotten themselves robbed yet again. Good luck with your kleptocracy, idiots.

Multi-media: Megan McArdle starts off with writers and procrastination but sort of veers weirdly into how terrible Millennials are, by the end. De Le Soul's entire catalog is available for free download right now, for one day only! Go here and and join me in De La Heaven. House of Cards season 2 is out and everyone else in TV is grumpy that Netflix doesn't release ratings, but Netflix is like:


How to Spend Valentine's Day: Why not spend it reading about being alone? Modern Farmer has you covered, with a long feature about hermits. I guess you could also spend it missing the lesson about privilege that the universe is literally trying to stomp into you?

Today's Toy: Bot Poet: can you tell whether a poem was written by a bot or a human?

Today's Song: De La Soul, "Transmitting Live from Mars"

That's all I've got for this week, see you on t h e i n t e r n e t.

~Qu'est-ce qu'il y a à manger? Les onglets, sans doute.~

As we all know, Valentine's Day is the only day of the year you are legally permitted to say you love anyone, so if I may: I love you, I love you, email subscribers. And I love you, reader. Yes, you. To be honest I've been watching you, and I really think... well, I think we'd be so good together. I think it would work, if you'd just give me a chance. If you'd just let me in. Let me in, reader. I'm right outside. Right now.