Today in Tabs: Sadvertising

Facebook gets auto-play ads, Brian Stelter gets a Lifetime movie, and Jamie Dimon's holiday card is perfection. Here's everything you meant to read about. REUTERS/Dado Ruvic

Apple has a holiday iPhone commercial out which is supposed to make you cry tears of holiday joy I guess. We're supposed to think the sullen teenager is making a charming family movie instead of sexting his gf (WHICH HE TOTALLY IS) as if "ignoring the family to make the charming family iPhone video" isn't already Dad's job. But the biggest problem is his real video would have terrible VVS (seriously, don't make vertical videos). Anyway, nothing will ever beat the best Apple holiday ad.

Speaking of advertising and things that are pathetic, Josh Constine from Facebook PR is here to explain Facebook's new video ads, and Benny Johnson makes the grade.

Today in Gay: Tim Cook talked about discrimination a little bit which is good to hear. And the Russian Homophobia Olympics are having trouble with their torch, which is not even faintly symbolic. Also not symbolic (so much as openly contemptuous) is Obama and Biden skipping the Winter Olympics and sending Billie Jean King and gay ice hockey player Caitlin Cahow to the opening ceremony instead.

Jamie Dimon's holiday card is so pretty. (Not pictured: Massive fraud and corruption, record-breaking settlements with the Justice Department, or "Ohhhhh, the New York Times!").

I make a cameo appearance in Bygone Bureau's Best of the Internet 2013 in the small but crucial role of "a rando." Also in lists: Bryan Goldberg writing in Pando turns in the caliber of startup analysis you would expect from a Bryan Goldberg post on Pando; Jess Zimmerman on why we are not going to work today; Some really dumb things got crowdfunded this year, such as wooden bowties. Walt Mossberg's last WSJ post lists his top product reviews from the Newton to the iPad.

Today in Abs

It's CSS's 17th birthday! Nearly two decades of giving up and adding !important because death is coming for us all and who has time to figure out why this goddamn property is being ignored.

"Top of the Morning," Brian Stelter's book about TV morning shows, is being developed for a Lifetime movie. Nick Bilton's "Hatching Twitter" has been optioned for TV by Lionsgate. Mitt Romney has been made into a documentary about Mitt Romney. And I'm proud to announce that Today in Tabs is currently in negotiation with Sanrio for a co-branded line of pencil boxes featuring appealing cartoon versions of Josh Constine, Grendan, Choire, Adrianne Jeffries, and all your other favorite Tabs.

Matt Haughey on how everything is a hoax. Google Glass gets a "wink to shoot" picture mode, upgrading Glass-wearers from "loser" to "super-creepy loser." Uber continues gouging.

This story about denim scraps and the US dollar is very Atlantic: an interesting story told very well, but with a stupid Kim Kardashian angle awkwardly bolted on.

Cosmo live-streamed a pitch meeting yesterday (including shirtless man because ???) and despite being a shameless ploy for ~engagement~ it was weirdly compelling. It's strange that TMZ has been left to own the pitch-meeting-as-editorial-product space for so long.

Today in Labs

There's a new island in Japan. Emotions will not be allowed in the libertarian future. Sentence of the week: "Douthat, despite having the morals and the facial hair of a much older man, is only 34 and maintains friendships with the young and childless," by Ann Friedman. Meet the humans behind Dogecoin which IS A REAL THING in case you thought I've just been joking about this. You can literally mine and exchange dogecoin as a currency. In this actual universe.

Today's Song: Mini Pop Kids, "Work Chick"

Today's Soul-Crushing Visual Metaphor: Rat descending an endless staircase.

Discuss the Tabs: Tweet with the hashtag #sadvertising (experimental!)

~There has never been a just tab, never an honorable one...~

Correction: Yesterday I linked to a Felix Salmon tweet which asserted that David Brooks was a World Economic Forum member. Capital New York posted a WEF spokesman's statement that "David Brooks has never attended a Forum event. Tom Friedman has. So have John Legend and Felix Salmon. And our members are companies, foundations, universities, etc. rather than people." So I regret Felix Salmon's error, and in future I will regard anything by that shady fellow or his fly-by-night news organization with much deeper suspicion.

Today in Tabs, on the other hand, is brought to you by, which has no ties of any kind to this so-called "Reuters" whatever that is. You may also subscribe by email to get all the secret content Newsweek refuses to post, which is mainly jokes about Jim Impoco, but they're really good. He's sensitive about not having any artificial legs.