TURKEY TIME: BENNIFER GETS BASTED

For months, there was talk of trouble--a calamitous test screening, an altercation between a director and a studio exec, a chemistry worse than Cruise and Kidman's, a movie in search of an ending. In fact, reports about the making of "Gigli" were so toxic that you began to wonder if they could really be true. Surely no movie could be that bad.

As it turns out, "Gigli" is not as wretched as Madonna and Guy Ritchie's "Swept Away," but after the schadenfreudian thrill of watching beautiful people humiliate themselves wears off, it has the same annihilating effect on your will to live. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will survive "Gigli." But it will be interesting to see what becomes of the director, Martin Brest. He's made good movies-- "Beverly Hills Cop" and "Midnight Run"--but his last outing, "Meet Joe Black," was so godawful that it and "Gigli" seem like the first two parts of a trilogy. What you see to the right is what lawyers like to call parody sprinkled with "fair use." The quotes are all real. The movie is not to be believed.