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By Rachael O'Connor
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A man who tragically lost his unborn twins in a car accident has pleaded for advice from the internet, as he wants to have more children but his wife does not know if she will ever be ready, leading him to consider divorce.
Reddit user Warm-Mine-86 took to the sub AITAH [Am I The A*****e] on June 9, where he explained that, three years ago, his wife was hit by a drunk driver, and their twin girls were stillborn a week before their due date.
While the AITAH sub usually has a decisive answer on whether the poster was at fault or not, in this case users were divided, and much more concerned about the mental health and welfare of both parties involved.
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Calling the tragedy "emotionally very difficult on both of us," he said he had not brought up the idea of trying for more children until three years later. But when he recently broached the subject, "she looked very sad, and told me that she is sorry, but she isn't ready, and she is not sure when she will be ready, if ever."
She is also against adoption and surrogacy, he claimed in the post.
The man, 31, said he did not push his 29-year-old wife further and respected her answer, but said he now only sees two ways this can end: "Divorce and find someone else to have kids with, or stay and agree to the possibility of never having kids."
Asking for advice, he said he recognized that he vowed "in sickness and health," and would not have left his wife had she been unable to have children due to medical reasons, but "never really thought about how that would apply to this kind of trauma."
He said the experience of losing the children "must have been 10 times more painful for her than it was for me," saying he "cannot even imagine" how it felt to "feel your twins' movements stop."
"I can say that if I was the one going through this, the thought of ever getting pregnant ever again would terrify me, so I definitely understand and respect her feelings."
But, he went on, "I also want to have a child, and it's a life goal that I have.
"I love my wife and I don't want to leave her, but at the same time, I see no solution that we can stay together without massive injustice being inflicted on one person. My wife cannot be re-traumatized to make me a father, but I can't give up having a child to accommodate her either."
The post received well over 3,000 comments from concerned users, many urging both husband and wife to undergo grief and trauma counseling, as well as marriage counseling.
One wrote: "The way he talks about this tragic event uses a lot of distancing language which just signals he shutdown in a way that prevented them from processing it together."
And another agreed: "I actually had to reread the post twice to see if I missed that the twins were from a different father from a different marriage or something. Because he's so removed from the situation I couldn't tell they were his kids too. He writes it like he wasn't involved in the situation at all."
As one user put it: "Both need therapy separately and together. There needs to be an honest conversation about how they both feel and what they both want. It could be she's never going to be ready for children and in that case, the therapy will help if it comes to separation/divorce."
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Reacting to the man's situation, author and grief coach Shelby Forsythia told Newsweek that it appears the husband "wants to respect her wishes and her grief," and understand the trauma she has been through, "but I think he should consider this first interaction as the beginning of a larger conversation about family and future rather than the end of a conversation about having more children."
She advised that "when his wife is in a calm place," he might bring up the conversation again, while assuring her "I wanted to respect your grief and heartache by not digging deeper into either of our perspectives in the moment. But I'm ready to do that now and I want to do that with you."
The couple should consider a grief or marriage counselor together to discuss the possibility of children in the future, she said, and the husband should clearly and gently explain: "This is something that really matters to me, and I want to talk through each of our perspectives with someone who can ask great questions and help us work through our feelings."
Forsythia explained: "His wife may or may not know he is considering divorce, and that is something that may be more plainly spoken in the safety of a counselor's office, where a trained professional can normalize feelings of grieving a future—or wanting to pursue new opportunities when an envisioned future is no longer possible."
Newsweek has contacted Warm-Mine-86 on Reddit for comment. Newsweek was unable to independently verify the facts of the case.
If you have a similar family dilemma, send an email to life@newsweek.com with your first name and general location. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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