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By Leonie Helm
Life Reporter
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A recent young widow, 28, has been voted 'Not The A**hole' on Reddit after posting about her mother announcing she can't make her late husband's memorial.
In the post, user OkSquirrel1072 wrote: "My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest, but I'm trying to get through it all. The funeral was small, in his home state. We have the memorial on Saturday, which friends, extended family are attending."
She explains that they are a close family, and that on the Wednesday before the memorial her five-year-old cousin fell and hit his head, resulting in a bruise and vomiting, but was ultimately discharged by the hospital.
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The family were shaken up by the news. However, the OP then wrote: "Mom said she wasn't sure if she could attend my husband's memorial, depending on how my cousin's doing. I was pretty shocked. She said that my aunt and uncle are going through a lot of emotional turmoil and she's so worried about them."
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Understanding that her aunt may not be able to make the memorial, she said: "I want my mother to be with me through my emotional turmoil.
"I admit I sort of lost it and cried/yelled at her on the phone, that I'm sorry what happened to my cousin but they're fine. My husband is dead. I'm barely holding it together and now she's telling me she can't make it.
"My mom said I'm overreacting and something really bad could've happened (to my cousin). I hung up, she just sent me a message saying she understands I'm emotional and she'll try to make it, but I should be more understanding towards my baby cousin."
According to the Census Bureau, the average age of a widow in the U.S. is 59 and widows still take precedence over widowers, with 8.9 million widows in 2019 compared to 2.6 million widowers. This widow in question is under half the average age.
Newsweek spoke to Amira Johnson, psychotherapist and clinician, LMSW at Berman Psychotherapy in Atlanta about how to handle this tricky situation.
"Grief can show up in many shapes and forms," she said, "especially when the loss of a loved one is so recent. The woman in reference is most likely still going through so many emotions as she said 'My heart feels like it is being ripped out of my chest, but I'm trying to get through it all.' With it being the day of the memorial, it seems all she wants/needs right now is support from those closest to her, especially her mother.
"Her young cousin hurting themselves was almost certainly another trigger on an already impossible day, which most likely caused the yelling. All she wants is for her mom to be there for her. I do want to note that I think the mother may be prioritizing the wrong thing over her daughter's needs.
"I think another thing to address is displacement when dealing with grief. You may be feeling all these emotions and have no outlet to release them, so in turn, you may lash out at those closest to you.
"She may have taken those bottled-up emotions and expressed them towards her mother with no intention of being rude or coming across as "overreacting", as she was valid for feeling how she did. So what are some tips for dealing with displacement during grief?
"A big one is to not take it personally if someone is going through displacement while grieving. And if you are the one grieving, do not be too hard on yourself when you have moments of lashing out.
"You are not a bad person and are just dealing with complicated feelings. Another one is to be open to apologies, as when a person grieving lashes out they may recognize shortly after that their emotions are not directly aimed at you and will apologize for their outburst.
"Also remember that displacement from grieving can happen long after the loss of your loved one, even when you might think you've healed (holidays, birthdays, etc). Just try to take a moment to pause and process those emotions. And on those more difficult days, be sure to give yourself some extra attention & self-care."
Users were almost unanimously in support of the original poster.
User Max_at_Red commented: "Way to steal someone else's grief and make it her own without any consideration. In fact, she might be fueling the fear in the OP's aunt and uncle. NTA OP, I am very sorry for your loss."
User GardenSafe8519 wrote: "Mom said something terrible could've happened to the cousin? Well!! Something irrevocably terrible happened to OPs husband and mom should definitely be there. So sad."
User Forsaken-Elk1554 said: "I would personally use the term "invalidating", OPs mum is invalidating her feelings. As this is my only comment I'll also add NTA."
Newsweek has reached out for comment to the relevant parties.
If you have a similar family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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