It's been a tough winter in the eastern US. It was 10 degrees here this morning and they're calling for more snow. There's a terrible drought in the west. I'm sick for the second time in two weeks, but that's nothing really. A landslide in Washington may have killed almost 200 people. But at least we have the internet! A self-made world, where we can come together, all of humanity, and create anything our heart desires. What wonders we can share, to comfort ourselves in the face of an indifferent universe! What kindnesses we can show each other, what...
Ha ha, no of course not, we create awful things like HOT TECH TODAY. We hire total scumbags like Anthony Weiner to write political columns. You thought we were done with him forever, right? Nope. We have people like Dan Snyder publishing a four page letter defending the transparently racist name of his football team, a sport which, don't forget, literally cannot be played without causing permanent and debilitating lifelong injury and premature death to the players. We make you install a whole app, for one salad recipe. We write and publish long, thoughtful, empathetic profiles of the worst human garbage we can find. Not only do we put Randi Zuckerberg on Broadway, we cast her as an anti-capitalist agitator and then quote her saying things like "Change is really hard... but at some point, we all need to realize that nothing stays exactly the same forever." It's true, Randi. Nothing stays the same forever, and I know that I will feel better another day. But right now, I feel like whatever humanity has coming to us as a species, it will be no more than what we deserve.
Let's have a seance where we ask our dead pets their opinions of our current pets.— jessie (@ex_liontamer) March 25, 2014
A reader, who is definitely not Charlie Warzel trying to promote himself, because that would be kind of sad, pointed out that I was remiss yesterday in failing to mark the beginning of the Charlie Warzel era at Buzzfeed's tech vertical. This anonymous reader (again: not Charlie, completely a different person) noted what stellar work they're already doing under his leadership, and I couldn't help but agree. Kudos to Charlie Warzel and his unnamed but ontologically distinct admirer.
Sarah is so bad at headlines that it's endearing RT @sarahcuda: Will Box's IPO be the John the Baptist to Dropbox's eventual Jesus IPO?— Sam Faulkner Biddle (@samfbiddle) March 25, 2014
This is a neat thinksperiment, David Byrne, but unfortunately you don't know anything at all about how computers or the internet work so your opinion is worthless. Unlike some skinny white girls who are clearly jelly as hell I have no problem with Kimye on the Vogue cover, but I'm not about to read the whole profile, so thank you Dayna Evans for saving me the trouble. Sarah Lacy what are you doing, this doesn't make any sense. (Sorry for how vague that is, I just have a generic text expansion for whenever Sarah Lacy publishes anything, it saves me a lot of time.) It's not just a coffee store named after the common blowfly, it's a movement, man. Also don't miss the first comment.
Comparative Media Studies: Buzzfeed and The New York Times published virtually the same article, about "the Nae Nae," which is a dance I guess. The NYT was first, but frankly Buzzfeed's article is not just better written, it's better reported. David Carr may have the vapors about pay-per-click but maybe the Times ought to look to its basics first? Reached for comment, Buzzfeed editor Ben Smith said:
If there exists a legitimately joyful and vibrant literary movement right now, it is definitely "alt lit," so check out this upcoming anthology the YOLO Pages. It's sure to annoy a lot of pretentious frickwads.
You know what else is great? 18 Famous Literary First Lines Perfectly Paired With Rap Lyrics: "Turning and turning in the widening gyre / I won’t stop rockin’ till I retire."
Here's a Picture of DNA: Watch our Brand Video
~Twas brillig, and the slithy tabs did gyre and gimble in the wabe~
☆。 ★。 ☆ ★ 。☆ 。☆。☆ ★。＼｜／。★ ¯_(ツ)_/¯ ★。／｜＼。★ 。 ☆。☆。☆ ☆。 ★。 ☆ ★— Jonathan Coby (@jonathan_coby) March 25, 2014
Today in Tabs will be fine, really, I think I just need a nap and maybe more than one day above freezing in a row. In the meantime, you can find me huddled and shivering in the pages of Newsweek.com or I will be happy to contaminate your email inbox. It's a good time to be a jellyfish.