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By Jack Beresford
Senior Reporter
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A surgeon who told his wife that he would rather spend the evening with their newborn daughter than head out on a date together has been applauded online.
But, while his focus on family was commended on social media, one leading therapist has told Newsweek that the surgeon may be putting his marriage at risk.
The arrival of a child may be a joyous occasion, but it can put considerable pressure on a relationship, particularly in the case of first-time parents. A study of first-time parents published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology wrote that marital satisfaction tended to decline during the years spent childbearing and childrearing.
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The research also found mothers and fathers were more likely to experience depression than other childless adults.
In the case of the surgeon, posting to Reddit under the handle u/Turbulent-Dealer464, there's another major factor placing a strain on the husband and wife's relationship: work.
"I am doing my residency in a surgical specialty working 12-hour shifts regularly," the Reddit user explained. "More often than not, I work more than 80 hours a week."
Returning home from a recent 24-hour shift, the man was dismayed when his wife told him she wanted to go out for dinner. "I told her that I'd prefer staying at home with our infant daughter," he wrote. "That way, I can spend time with both her and our daughter, who I don't see nearly as much as I want to, and also get some rest."
Her wife was left "pretty upset" at this response. However, while her husband wrote that she had likely been "cooped up all day," he was "honestly past arguing at this point" and shut the conversation down.
"Don't get me wrong," the husband wrote. "Taking care of a newborn is certainly not easy. But she is also supported by my parents who live with us and is not doing anything anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing."
More than anything, he wrote, he simply wanted to spend time with their child. "I don't want to compromise a single second with my baby for anything else unless I absolutely have to," he added. "I'm not spending nearly as much time with her as I should."
However, Frank Thewes, therapist and owner of Path Forward Therapy LLC, told Newsweek that the poster could end up sacrificing the health of his marriage.
"The author of this post is in multiple roles: father, husband, individual, and surgeon, among others. The issue here is that he sounds like he doesn't have the time or bandwidth right now to negotiate the necessary balance between all of these demanding roles," Thewes said.
"His wife is rightly expressing to him that her needs need more attention in this mix. He appeared to validate her need for some time with him, but he did not make an adequate offer to meet her halfway."
Thewes said the couple should work to set time aside for themselves on a regular basis. "They could work together to schedule some couple-time once a week where his wife feels like she is his focus, so their relationship gets the necessary attention as his work and baby time do," Thewes added.
"They will have to openly communicate together and understand that, while his work weeks are 80 hours, they will both have to sacrifice some things to make sure the baby gets the dad time she needs, as well as making sure their relationship is nurtured."
Although Thewes said that no one was wrong in this scenario, many on social media sided with the busy dad.
One user wrote: "He has one day off right now that he doesn't want to go out for. Why should he bend to her wishes and not she to his needs i.e. rest, sleep and mentally recharge with their baby?"
Another commented: "He's a surgical resident and she's stay-at-home-mom. Absolutely no way is her job just as taxing."
A third added: "She's not 'stuck at home' though. She has legs. She can leave the house. Put the baby in a carrier or a stroller and get outside and enjoy the spring."
Newsweek reached out to u/Turbulent-Dealer-464 via Reddit for comment. We could not verify the details of the case.
If you have a family dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
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