Fury as Man Keeps Secrets From Fiancée to Protect Friend's 'Mental Health'

Internet users have backed a woman who confronted her fiancé for sneaking around to help a friend in need, which has left her feeling incredibly paranoid.

A Redditor, who has since deleted their account, posted on the AITA [Am I The A******?] subforum to explain the difficult scenario they found themselves in, hoping to gain advice from fellow Reddit users.

They explained in the post that their best friend, Nolan, lost a parent over a year ago which led to a "mental health crisis." The poster wants to be there for Nolan whenever he needs help, but they feel their fiancée has "complicated matters."

The fiancée doesn't know the exact details of what Nolan has endured, which makes everything more secretive as she's constantly excluded from their conversations and meetups.

Couple Argue About Friend's Secret Behavior
This stock image shows a couple ignoring each other after an argument. A woman is being backed on Reddit for blasting her fiancé for sneaking around with a friend and keeping secrets. ilona titova/Getty Images

"She knows something happened with him, but she doesn't know the details of what that something is. She probably never will. But because she's around me and my friends often as my fiancée, and I live in the same house, she hears bits and pieces of the story and presses for more information," the Redditor wrote.

"I try to circumvent this as best as I can—for example, I step out of the room for specific phone conversations. But still, it's hard to limit the discussion about it sometimes."

Unfortunately, this isn't the fiancée's only gripe, as the Reddit user adds that sometimes Nolan will come round to his place at night a couple of times a month "when he can't sleep."

The pair stay up chatting through the night before Nolan eventually heads back home. Meanwhile, the fiancée finds herself waking up in an empty bed.

After seeing this go on for too long, she told her partner that "all the sneaking around is making her paranoid" and that she is "putting a stop to it." While she wanted to change the pattern for the sake of the relationship, she also believes it will help Nolan to be less reliant on his friends too.

"I told her that no matter whether we're married, dating, whatever, she will never have any ownership over my friend's trauma and that she was never going to be able to order me around in regards to it," the poster wrote.

"I also said her comfort was less important than someone's actual physical well-being. She was obviously hurt by this and went to stay with her mom after work today."

Licensed clinical psychotherapist Jaime Mahler has helped many people heal from their toxic relationships, as she notes that the difference between privacy and secrecy is a regular contributor.

"Privacy is information that is being processed in your silo, meaning your individual sphere, and that information in no way changes the nature of your relationship," Mahler told Newsweek. "Secrecy is information that is being withheld from your partner that must be mutually discussed in the shared silo, meaning your shared relationship processing."

Mahler explained that private information becomes a secret when it changes the understanding of what is going on within the relationship.

"A secret changes the relationship contract, and by excluding that information the partner who isn't aware of a contract change is now blindly participating in a relationship on different terms," she said. "They have lost the fully informed consent nature of the relationship."

The Reddit post has received over 18,000 votes and more than 7,800 comments since it was posted on February 23. Most people are undoubtedly siding with the fiancée, as they point out how suspicious the friends are being.

One Reddit user offered a new perspective on the issue: "Imagine everyone code talking around you, your fiancé stepping out to take phone calls, and having secret meet ups in the middle of the night that you can't ask about. Being excluded and made to wonder to that degree would make anyone crazy."

Another person suggested that Nolan should find a healthier way of dealing with his emotions: "Not to mention the fact that they are enabling Nolan to skulk around and avoid properly dealing with his grief. These guys are all clueless."

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