Absurd New 'Harry Potter' Book Written By Predictive Text Already Has Fan Art

Hermione, Ron and Harry in 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1.' Warner Bros.

It's every Muggle's dream come true: The arrival of a new Harry Potter adventure! Well, sort of.

Harry Potter and the Portrait of What Looked Like a Large Pile of Ash is a new short story starring our favorite Boy Who Lived and his fellow wielders of magic. But here's the catch: It's written entirely by predictive keyboard. While not exactly as compelling (or rational) as J.K. Rowling's original text, these four new pages have the best-selling author beat when it comes to absurdist humor.

Here's how it works: Botnik Studios, a company that teams up creative people with machines, fed all seven Harry Potter books into a predictive text keyboard. The tool analyzes the text, then "predicts" words based on the grammar and vocabulary patterns.

Using the suggestions from that keyboard, a team of 12 Botnik contributors put together a downright bonkers but ultimately narratively satisfying new Harry Potter story.

We used predictive keyboards trained on all seven books to ghostwrite this spellbinding new Harry Potter chapter https://t.co/UaC6rMlqTy pic.twitter.com/VyxZwMYVVy

— Botnik Studios (@botnikstudios) December 12, 2017

There's just one chapter—"The Handsome One"— and in it Harry, Ron and Hermione once again save the day from Voldemort and the Death Eaters. And a surprising amount of hot sauce is involved.

Stand-out lines include:

  • "Magic: it was something that Harry Potter thought was very good."
  • "[Ron] saw Harry and immediately began to eat Hermione's family."
  • "Ron's Ron shirt was just as bad as Ron himself."
  • "To Harry, Ron was a loud, slow, and soft bird. Harry did not like to think about birds."
  • "'If you two can't clump happily, I'm going to get aggressive,' confessed the reasonable Hermione."
  • "'Not so handsome now,' thought Harry as he dipped Hermione in hot sauce."
  • "'I'm Harry Potter,' Harry began yelling. "The dark arts better be worried, oh boy!"
  • "They looked at the door, screaming about how closed it was and asking it to be replaced with a small orb. The password was 'BEEF WOMEN,' Hermione cried."

The Harry Potter fandom quickly adopted this new story. The original tweet went viral with more than 42,000 retweets in two days. In fact, fans love the new story so much they're already making art inspired by the text.

I have to draw some moments from this bot-written Harry Potter chapter. #loudslowsoftbird https://t.co/YdKLyJd64o pic.twitter.com/3Xywuaa5uQ

— Megan Nicole Dong (@sketchshark) December 14, 2017

Ron’s Ron shirt. So bad. pic.twitter.com/s5TajvI33z

— Megan Nicole Dong (@sketchshark) December 14, 2017

I really liked that Harry Potter predictive text chapter guys #BEEFWOMEN pic.twitter.com/h37RCrIHkz

— Katherine Foyle (@comicfoyle) December 14, 2017

Ok I really should be working rn but I just remembered the Harry Potter predictive text thing and laughed so much I had to draw it pic.twitter.com/MY7YbnuDgN

— Jess 🐊 (@gyozammm) December 14, 2017

This just might be the biggest Harry Potter meme since Potter Puppet Pals did "The Mysterious Ticking Noise."

Perhaps J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. should just forget about that Fantastic Beasts and the Crimes of Grindelwald controversy and adapt this masterpiece into a five-movie franchise instead.