Today in Tabs: Are You There God? It's Me, Tabs.

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Leonhard Foeger/Reuters

Amazon vs. Hachette has been hovering around the periphery of my feeds for the last few days. If you're like: "are those even words?" Vox has the explainer for you although they had to shame you in the url slug, because explainers are dicks. Ok not all explainers, just Yglesias. Anyway genteel garret-dwelling literary enterprise Hachette is fighting over ebook terms with Amazon, and Amazon is shipping Hachette titles very slowly in response. Oh my god explaining this is so boring, no wonder explainers are dicks. What is fascinating is that Amazon issued a statement about the dispute, which is not par for Bezos's Floating Dragon Lair's 9-hole Floating Dragon Auxiliary Golf Course at all. But also fascinating is that Hachette books are apparently 1.1% of all Amazon sales, if I'm reading "If you order 1,000 items from Amazon, 989 will be unaffected" correctly. It seems that from way down at the level of the actual small press, it's harder to tell who is David and who is Goliath.

But if you've lost your épique job at Hachette over this frâcâs, Paul Ford would like you to know there are some amazing opportunities in publishing right now, although judging from today's Matryoshka-style Reuters-inside-The New York Times #sponcon, the positions of "Neologizer" and "Fat Shamer" have both already been filled.

You can always try for a job at Zappos, but now you have to join some private "please hire me" social network and try to sleaze your way in, which seems like it will select for a certain kind of person. "In some ways, Zappos can seem less like a shoe retailer than an experiment in how a company can be run," says the WSJ, which has to be code for "they are less than two months from a huge sexual harassment and bullying scandal."

Today in Hard Tech: Python framework Django cheerfully merged a pull request changing all terminology referring to "master" and "slave" databases to be "primary" and "replica" instead. Which was of course followed by over 700 comments worth of argument about it because tech dudes. While they were busy fighting over two words, I was converting all my code to Jenn Schiffer's jort.technology, the new tech that sorts arrays by telling users to sort their own damn arrays. What am I your mom? Am I your mommmmmy? You can't sort your own arrays? Do I have to chew your food too? Get out of here and come back when your array is properly sorted. Everybody knows tech is made of straight white boys, and here is what straight white boys are like texting. For real though, Google just released employee diversity numbers, and while they're obviously not where they should be, the transparency is a good step and everyone else should do the same. But what happened to TrueCrypt? It was right here. Now it's sort of gone? More from TLDR, although not much more–I mainly include that for PJ Vogt's great crypto/drug metaphor at the end. Finally, Soylent apparently tastes like "gritty, thinned-down pancake batter." Mmm, taste the sustenance.

Remember the infamous women for tech bros airlift that Valleywag's Nitasha Tiku compared to WW2 comfort women, which led (an oddly long time later) to a backlash on Twitter that erased Nitasha entirely and sought to get Gawker editor Max Read to fire Valleywag fashion disaster Sam Biddle. You remember all that, right? Well the airlift happened, and NYMag columnist, immature-vegetable fancier, and apparently not in any way Jezebel editor candidate Maureen O'Connor went along and reported what happened. It was, in two phonemes, awk. But there are tales of pot brownies and really bad flirting, and it led to the discovery of Alexa Heller's "Twitter (Spaces in Between my Heart). So, I guess: _____________ (space provided for you to write your own conclusions about any of this).

World's foremost Dracula scholar dead... OR IS HE? Andrew Sullivan whines. Good bad sex advice by Drew Grant. Night Vale turns two. I miss Cecil. Do you miss Cecil? I'm like :(((( inside all the time. Ok it feels good to admit it. I hope Cecil is ok. The Upcoming Kickstarter is almost over! It's also almost to $100,000! Upcoming is coming back up! Businessweek's new cover about Piketty is amazing. (Conflict of interest disclosure: Businessweek owes me money, but not for that link). Art is super dumb sometimes.

Today's Hungriest Person: Molly Schuyler, who ate nine pounds of meat (and sides!) in 15 minutes. [via Gawker]

Today's Song: Chocomang, "Running Happy (Airbourne vs. Pharrell Williams)"

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You are in a maze of twisty little Newsweek, all alike. You are likely to be emailed by a grue. Today in Tabs doesn't make very much sense today! Ha ha ha I don't even care. I'm not gonna apologize.

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