Woman Urged To Tell Lover's Wife About Affair: 'Deserves To Know'

The internet has urged a woman to come clean after she learned that her partner is married.

In a recent exclusive poll for Newsweek by Redfield & Wilton Strategies, it was revealed that one fifth of Americans admit to cheating on their partner, but this woman found herself at the heart of infidelity and asked what she should do next.

In a post on October 30, Mumsnet user Alexkit1980 shared the story, asking: "Do I tell the wife or sweep it under the carpet?"

The woman explained that she had received a message from a man on Instagram with no profile picture and limited account details.

Man begs woman for forgiveness
A stock image of a man asking a woman to forgive him while she looks away in thought. A woman has taken to the internet to ask for advice after learning that her partner is married. fizkes/Getty Images

After some time speaking, the pair started dating last December. The woman explained: "Things went well, I fell for him quickly and he said he felt the same. There were a few niggles on when we could see each other and times we could speak and text but I was smitten and just believed him when he said it was because of work."

The man had told her that he had no children and had never married, and when they talked about the future, he was even planning to move closer to her.

"Then he went AWOL for a week, just popped back up and apologized profusely and said his brother was really ill and he had to go and be with his family. Stupidly I believed him," said the Mumsnet user.

But when she did a little digging on Facebook, she found a picture of the man holding a baby. When she questioned him about this, he said that he did have a child but he and the mother were not together.

"Fast forward a few months and something popped up on Instagram. Someone had tagged him in something," said the poster. She asked her friend to help her look into him online. "She found wedding pictures on the internet, how he proposed, where they lived together, etc."

With nothing else to hide, the man finally admitted that he had been living another life with her, "[He said he] was happy with his wife but we had something special and that he didn't want to lose it."

Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a psychologist, sex and intimacy coach, told Newsweek: "Trust is essential in a lasting relationship. If your partner has been lying to both you and their spouse over a long period of time, this doesn't bode well. If they have been lying to you about this, what else are they lying about? Will you be able to trust them, if they leave their spouse and take up with you?"

"I was low and weak and he knew I was vulnerable and hung on his every word," said the poster. "So I kept seeing him knowing full well he has a wife—believe me this doesn't make me feel good."

But after months of the affair carrying on, the woman said that "something inside me snapped," and at 4 a.m., she kicked him out of her home, ending the relationship.

"He messaged me a couple of hours later asking me if there was anything he could do to stop me telling his wife," said the Mumsnet user. "I didn't reply and finally managed to block his number."

At a loss, the woman turned to the internet for advice and asked: "So do I tell her?"

The post received over 150 responses as Mumsnet users were relatively understanding but overwhelmingly urged the woman to tell the man's wife what had been happening.

"Yes, tell the wife. She deserves to know she's with a cheating lying scum bag," said one Mumsnet user.

"It is up to a person's individual morality to decide how they wish to respond—whether they leave or not," said Bisbey. "They do not have a contract or responsibility towards the cheated-on person. Their lover has the contract with the spouse."

Another commenter wrote: "You're no longer in the dark, but she is. That's not right. Make sure to inform her in a way that he can't intercept, and provide proof."

"You should tell her so she has all the facts to make decisions about her life," said another Mumsnet user.

"These situations are messy and complex. The rule of thumb is to treat others as you would like to be treated. If you believe you would have wanted to be told, then you can tell the cheated-on party," suggested Bisbey. "However, if you get in the middle of their relationship, you might get stuck there. You do not want to be the confidant for your former partner's wife/spouse.

Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.

Has an infidelity broken your trust in your partner? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.