Woman Supported for Keeping Wedding News From Dad Who Left Her Over Vase

The internet is rallying behind a woman mad that the news of her upcoming wedding was revealed to her estranged father.

The original poster (OP), u/LiveNowScarlett, shared her story to the Reddit forum r/AmITheA**hole because she worried she was wrong to snap at her grandmother for spilling the beans. She earned over 5,600 upvotes and 500 comments in eight hours for her post, "[Am I the A**hole] for getting mad at my grandma for telling my dad that I'm getting married?"

She opens by explaining the reason for the estrangement from her dad. She says that when she was 8 years old, she accidentally broke her stepmom's vase—and her stepmom gave her dad an ultimatum: his wife or his daughter.

"I thought for sure my dad would choose me cause I was so close to him but that night he told me I was going to grandma's," she wrote.

She says that moment "changed" her, and from that moment on, she shut down around him. Even though he would call and try to visit every day to see how she was doing, she says she stopped pretending to be happy and acted "emotionless" near him.

By the time she turned 9, she moved in with her mother because she started hating her dad's calls and visits. While living with her mom, the two grew very close, and she kept her daughter busy with after-school activities so she could avoid seeing her father.

"Contact just ended and I'm thankful for it cause I didn't have to be there for him. Like, a few years ago, stepmom gave birth and there was a big celebration and I'm so happy I'm nowhere in sight and that I haven't even seen the kid yet," she wrote. "I'd really only see him on birthdays or when he came to grandma's home when I was there."

Today, OP is 24 and last week, she was proposed to. She shared the news with her mom, maternal uncle and grandma—only to receive a call from her father congratulating her and hoping to set up a family dinner where they can all meet. OP says she "made up an excuse cause screw that," but realized it was her grandmother who let the news slip. She was upset and yelled at her.

"I got a text from my dad like an hour ago which chastised me for taking out my issues with him on grandma. As much as I hate to say it, he may be right about that," she wrote, asking the "AITA" community if, indeed, she was wrong.

broken vase estranged dad reddit aita
A woman is being backed for snapping at her grandmother for revealing her engagement to her estranged dad. iStock/Getty

When it comes time to cut ties with a toxic family member, it can be frustrating when they reach out. Psychologist Chloe Carmichael defined for Newsweek the two types of toxic people: "Someone who clearly shows an extreme amount of disrespect or actual malice towards you, and someone whose level of disrespect and malice towards themselves causes them to disrupt the lives of everybody else around them."

The OP's dad is more in the first camp—though it seems he wants to still be part of her life, abandoning her after a broken vase at 8 years old is definitely an "extreme amount of disrespect." However, Carmichael does endorse trying to talk it out—but only if cutting someone off entirely, as OP has done, isn't ideal. But she also says that cutting them out is always an option—and if one balks at simply cutting ties, she offers a potential way to let the toxic family member know.

"I've come to realize that the way you treat me is not acceptable. I don't feel willing or able to work on it anymore with you, and so this is going to be our last conversation," she suggested as a potential way to let the toxic family member know.

Reddit largely supported u/LiveNowScarlett, though a few urged her to apologize to her grandmother anyway.

"Can't you send a vase to your dad and stepmom to congratulate them with the baby, with an card that will let him know to never contact you again," u/haasje83 wrote in the top-rated comment, with over 8,300 upvotes.

"With an additional note: 'may your child give you incredible joy, until he inevitably breaks this vase and you dump him on grandma again,'" u/Whatthehonker added.

"[Send] a text like this: 'After I broke the vase, step-mom gave you a choice: me or her. You chose her, and I have never recovered from that betrayal. You're right, I won't take that pain out on grandma, she was there for me when you weren't. But please don't contact me again.'" u/GiraffeThoughts suggested. "You can also ask your grandma not to relay your information to your dad. If you haven't set that boundary yet, you shouldn't be mad. Although my grandma would never have put up with one of her kids choosing a step-parent over her child."

"Apologize to your grandma but reinforce to her the idea that you are non-contact with your father after he abandoned you for his new family. If she tells your father anything after that, stop telling her things until she gets the idea," u/ColeFlames wrote. "[Not the A**hole]"

"Dad is major [a**hole]. Grandma shouldn't have spilled the beans and probably deserved to get chewed out," u/Dennis_Ogre wrote. "OP is [Not the A**hole]. No need to reconnect with a dad who chose a new wife over his loving daughter."

"[Not the A**hole]. But please text your dad back, 'You chose your wife over an eight-year-old child. That was the day I stopped being your daughter. Please don't contact me again because I have no desire to have a relationship with you in any way.' Then, call or text your grandma and tell her you do not want her to tell your father anything, or you'll have to put her on an info diet," u/crystallz2000 suggested.

"[Not the A**hole]. But apologize to your granny, she was probably just proud and happy for you. But she should probably be put on an information diet. As for your dad, why does he even have your phone number? Why does he even think you would still want to be around him if he has cast you aside like an unwanted step child? Have you told him you don't want to have anything to do with him and his preferred family?" u/KittKatt7179 wrote.

Newsweek reached out to u/LiveNowScarlett for comment.